Archive for March, 2010

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I’M NOT SCARED OF HAWKERS AND BEGGARS AND STARES!

March 19, 2010

As a little girl I was known as the nice girl.

Sweet child…….

 Warm girl…..

A bit of a pushover maybe.

I had a lot of patience for people’s nonsense and foolishness.

 Now that I am older, I realize that…….

My patience went away when puberty came.

And like my hair….

 …..every day I lose a bit more.

Driving down the streets of Accra has never irritated me as much as it does now.

 Honestly.

The Accra streets have become the bane of my mere existence!!

Driving down the streets feels like a zombie attack.

You can’t go 3 meters without being accosted by someone….

 …asking you to buy something…..

……you OBVIOUSLY don’t need!

 Or give them something….

You don’t owe them!

Yup!

It’s the attack of the HAWKERS and BEGGARS!

You see,

When I say some things,

You might be led to think that I haven’t any compassion for my fellow human beings.

Trust me…

 I’ve never met anyone with more compassion than me…..

….but having to weave through a throng of people,

Some carrying loads heavier than the being themselves……

Some with disabilities……

 …… and some who just WILL NOT BUDGE!……

People who probably do NOT pay taxes ……

 …………or have road worthiness stickers on their foreheads ……

……sort of robs me of my patience and compassion!

They say the grass is greener on the other side right?

These hawkers and beggars…

……who work and sleep in the streets…..

….and risk getting run over or raped….

….should have communicated to their fellow “villagers” by now ….

….that the grass isn’t greener on this side of town!

 In fact there is no grass at all!

Just brown shrubs we water each day in hopes that some greenery will magically appear overnight.

It’s not easy for anyone…..

I know!

 But you don’t belong amongst the traffic.

You’ve never belonged there.

You’re just adding to the increased crime rate, deaths and general craziness on our streets.

I bet a third of our accidents are probably your fault!

WTF!!!???!!

You can’t even eat…..

 Or work on your computer……

 Or talk on your phone…..

 IN YOUR OWN CAR!!!!!

The stares you get from these people can be crippling.

Murderous almost!!!

 Try eating in your car while a beggar with three children ( you wonder why in her financial state, she didn’t stop at one)

comes to knock…

 ….NO!

 … Try…

BANG! …

…at your window!

 You will stop!

 One time!

Probably hand it over out of guilt even though….

…you haven’t eaten since the previous night.

Why?? Eh!?

They demand it like they sent you out to work for them,

 And it’s time to pay up!

 Like they are your pimp….

….and you….

…the whore.

Compassion and patience?

 See how quickly yours is vanishing?

It used to scare me how hawkers and beggars rush at you…..

…..asking you to either buy something…

……or give them something….

 …and when you don’t….

 …..spit all sorts of curses and insults at you.

Eiiii! You m’om!

As3m!!

You won’t humble yourself before Lorraine!

 It used to frighten me.

But I came to a resolve.

 Until I genuinely do owe you something…..

Until I need to buy some “beeskate”, or ” prantain” or “chocrate”

 …I’ll crank up the volume in my car….

…and sing along with Jazmine Sullivan….

 …I’m not scared of Hawkers and Beggars and  Stares!!!! ….

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LABEL IT AS SUCH.

March 16, 2010

Over the past year,

I have noticed the dramatic change in the Ghanaian movie industry.

The emergence of directors and writers such as Shirley Frimpong  Manso has added some colour and depth to our movies.

She has managed not to stick to the “Ghanaian status quo”

The usual storylines where the wicked mother in law poisons the daughter in law who can’t have kids just so she can bring a new woman to her son’s house…..

……has been canned!! ( what a relief!)

I think she’s doing an exceptional job.

She’s churning  movies good enough to put Ghana on the international scene.

Life and Living it, Scorned, Perfect Picture, A Sting in a Tale and now……

 CHECKMATE.

Clap for Shirley!!

I’m not saying I didn’t like the classics

We HAD to start SOMEWHERE.

Movies from the 90’s  like…..

Baby Thief”,where John Dumelo had his first movie appearance…….

…..”Who Killed Nancy”…..

…”Taboo”…..

Oh and “Idi Koko”

‘Baba Tunde ali bebe, ali bebe!’

Come on sing along……….

You stush people will say you don’t know what I’m talking about!

PLEASE!

Don’t front.

You lot probably can recite bits of all these movies on account of the number of times you watched them.

I mean although the movies coming out lately are brilliant,

I can’t help but notice how,

Slowly,

The movies are turning into soft core porn.

Don’t get me wrong

I AM NOT A PRUDE.

Love a tastefully done sex scene.

A scene that has SOME relevance to the whole movie plot.

Did anyone see “Heart of Men

Seriously?

I didn’t see the whole thing.

Couldn’t go through it.

It was punishment.

Torture almost!

The sex scenes were just thrown in with no connection to what was going on whatsoever.

The sequence ususally goes something like this…….

Its so random…..

A lady gets into her car

She’s driving down the road( close up shots of her lips and thighs)

She has an accident and is taken to the hospital

Suddenly she’s fucking the doctor!

The nurse walks in and sees this

She locks eyes with the patient for a second

Next thing she joins in

Threesomes, gang bangs, infidelity, brothers and sisters…..

Oh! anything goes

As long as there’s some form of carnal knowledge.

Those guys in those movies will literally fuck anything

Mouths, vaginas, butt holes….

Even ears and nostrils if they could.

It’s disturbing.

Call it porn with a forced storyline.

We all know that sex sells.

HECK!

Sell some to me I’LL buy it!

😛

There’s a new one out.

Kiss Me If You Can

YouTube it!

Should be called “Sex Me if You Can

I saw the trailer….

Whole time….

…..my mouth was on the floor….

…in awe!

In fact I wanted to cry.

Because at that point I would rather have seen the witches and evil mothers in law we had abandoned along the way.

Sex scenes that started as little kisses,

between people wrapped in white towels

rolling around underneath the sheets

legs kicking making the sheets move, implying that the carnal dance has begun ….

…has now turned into

Full blown orgies on national TV.

We have some amazing talent.

Why do we feel like we need to beef up our movies with unnecessary sex in order for it to sell?

Allow me to request of you…

If you decide to write a movie,

Check the ratio of storyline to random sex.

If there’s a lot more random sex,

SOFT CORE PORN!

Please….

Label it as such!

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DO YOU HAVE THE TALENT?(YES YOU)

March 16, 2010

I recently came across someone’s page on  FaceBook.

Good old FaceBook.

Now, basically this person was lamenting on how everyone is a “photographer” these days.

My exact sentiments!

‘Belly’s Blazing Photography’, ‘ Kwasi Okyere- The world through my Kodak’,  ‘Kayla Price Studios’……I could go on and on…..

I mean every Tom Dick and Harry is wielding a camera and calling themselves a professional.

Even Braa Adane,

that popular photographer,

Who makes you pose by flowers ( which is really a bush with a bit of colour)

IS A FREAKING PROFESSIONAL TOO!!!!

He has a camera around his neck, a myriad of events he attends, and a business card!

Yes!

A business card with his photo on it….

…..he even took it himself !( *snicker*)

Every day on FaceBook there’s a new “photographer”.

You don’t believe me?

Go on now.

Check that shit out.

The question you might ask is how hard can it be to take a photo?( This will be asked by you who wants to get on the bandwagon)

Get a camera, make sure there’s light, point it at the thing you want to capture for eternity, click the button and….

….VOILA!!

There you have it!!!

So in 2003 I was a student at Freeport High School, Maine,

 where I took up International Cuisine, Fine Art, Theatre and….

….yeah you guessed it PHOTOGRAPHY!

Fun times.

Pinhole camera, Black and White pieces, Darkroom aaaaah the Darkroom :-).

It was fun. It was new. It was fresh.

But guess what?

You don’t hear me boasting of being a photographer……

….in fact….

I can’t take a good picture to save my life……

…..and I’m not even bullshitting you.

That point and capture thing?

Not as easy as it looks.

The light could be terrible and I wouldn’t know…..

My hands will definitely shake……

Image will be totally out of focus……

FUCK!

My finger may be the only thing you’ll see when the roll is developed!

(oh apparently we’re not using film anymore, its digital now)

IT’S NOT JUST POINT AND SHOOT GUYS!!!

It’s an art. It must be full of passion.

My grand uncle Nyani takes some amazing photos.

I saw his work and it took my breath away.

The colour,

The texture,

The light,

The focus.

The subjects he picks for his pieces.

Now I know you “photographers” out there know nothing about this shit.

It looks effortless.

But a lot of work and heart goes into it.

Its not even just the “photographers”

It’s the “fashion designers”, the “jewelers”, the “ craftsmen”, the “rappers”, the “actors”

Everyone has a label.

Everyone is something.

Oh! I know that why rhymes with thigh, yellow rhymes with hello, silly rhymes with willie,

…… but I’m not calling myself a rapper.(which could rhyme with wanker)…

I was Mary in my nursery school play……

…does that make me an actress?

You can put beads on a string……

…… and suddenly you’re a jeweler.

You can copy a design from E Entertainment Television……

…… and suddenly you’re the queen of couture.

I can thread a needle too….!!!!

The reason why it bugs me so is these things are forms of art which people put a lot of effort into.

All these wannabe artists are abusing the title/labels.

Killing us with their ridiculously unimpressive work.

Bombarding FaceBook with this …..

….dare I say, paucity.

Mediocrity has taken over.

It has dominated our mere existence.

Why don’t we leave it to those who really do have the talent or whatever you want to call it……

……the “know how” maybe.

Not everyone was born with it……

…..it’s not that serious.

Now the question was ‘Do you have the talent?”

Go figure!!!

 

Dedicated to Rodney & Nyani- I know you guys do!

 
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I LOVE LITTLE PUSSY

March 16, 2010
14 March

I LOVE LITTLE PUSSY…….

 I have always pondered over the hidden meaning in a lot of the nursery rhymes and stories we heard as kids.

Sure they were fun to recite….

The wordplay….

The sheer silliness of the stories they told…..

The repetitiveness….

The colourful characters…….

…..but

What purpose did they serve??

Half of them made no sense at all.

You probably need to be stoned to understand most of them or call me stupid if I’M missing something.

I thought of this classic…

“Goosie goosey gander,

Where shall I wander,

Upstairs  and downstairs ,

In my lady’s chamber”

What the hell is Goosie the gander doing in a lady’s chamber?

That’s when it dawned on me!

The shit literally hit the fan with this one!!

Do you realize the sexual innuendo in our nursery rhymes??

Goosie? Seriously?

Couldn’t call it something more manly?

Take this too….

“ Wee willie winkie,

Runs through the town,

Upstairs and downstairs, in his nightgown

Are the children all in bed,

For its past 6 o’clock”

Wee and willie in the same sentence?

Call me crazy…

….but the sexual connotation with this one is staring me in the face.

The “willie” is the vessel for the “wee” no?

I mean really….

Think about it….

He’s asking if the kids are in bed.

What do people do when the kids are sleeping????

See where I’m going?

And the piece de resistance……….

“I love little pussy,

Her coat is so warm’

And if I don’t hurt her…..”

Wrong wrong wrong!

My child dare not come from school saying this!

“Ride a cock horse….”

What the FUCK is a “COCK HORSE”?

Please tell me.

The bedtime stories are even worse.

Did you ever sit to think about Alice in Wonderland??

She falls into a hole and enters this fantastical world where everything is pretty much exaggerated.

Does anyone smell weed on Alice’s breath?

Smiling cats, tea with wood creatures, card people…….

Marijuana is a hallucinogen.

Her dealer forgot to tell her that part.

She must have puffed on a few too many joints sending her into a stupor.

Message to kids in fine print on the back of the book….

WARNING: THE HAZE CAUSES THE DAZE.

And the violence and chills  in some of these rhymes and stories.

They should call them “ BEDTIME THRILLERS”

I see this now….

“I tucked my son in.

Just as I turned to walk out

I heard his little voice say

Mommy, you haven’t told me a bedtime thriller

Oh how could I resist him?

I turned to him and said

How about……

Beauty and the Beast?” ( lightening flashes, clap of thunder, the caw of a crow/raven  and evil laugh resounding)

That’s some Adam’s Family Shit right there.

Little red riding hood”

Dark forest alone……

………A talking wolf……

Didn’t the wolf swallow someone?

The imagery!

How scary is that shit if you think about it deeply?

Imagine Jeepers Creepers.

Only with a wolf!

Who even wrote that mess?

Not only is it scary,

Once again sex plays a big part in this production.

Little red riding hood is a little girl clad in a red cloak right?

There is “a big bad wolf” who wants to “eat” her

But he won’t do it in the open.

What colour is a cherry?

Red!

The colour red represents her virginity.

The wolf wants to “pop” that cherry.

Disrobe little red riding hood.

Tsk! Tsk! Big Bad Wolf!

And “Snow white”

The poisoned apple delivered by a woman from the dark side….

….oooooooh! SCARY!

The little whore shacking up with 7 midgets?

Where you think they got the idea of midget porn?

It came from the  times of old.

Good porn name though…

…..SNOW WHITE….

Why do we do this to our kids?

And when they can’t sleep

And want to get in our beds

When its “ role play night” with the hubby

 we don’t get it!!!!!!

and try to lure the child back to the scene of the crime(their room)!

You scared the poor unknowing child you wicked wicked parent!

On the bright side,

The “BIRDS AND BEES” talk?

Well its been simplified.

Nothing a good children’s book can’t fix.

Need to give your kid sex ed?

Whip out a copy of Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs.

Need to give a lecture on drugs?

Why not try Alice in Wonderland.

Your kid needs to learn the importance of a spiritual life?

HECK! Goosie goosey gander is your story!

He kicked the old man down the stairs for not being able to say his prayers did he not?

Bet if you delve deep you would find a bedtime story or nursery rhyme for every vice.

Rapunzel, Sleeping Beauty, The Princess and the Pea, Hansel and Gretel……

Boy! Did I love those stories as a child.

Could it be that I’m reading too much into this because I’ve lost my innocence?

If you say yes…..

… I bet you wouldn’t mind if your 15 year old son came home happily repeating…..

I LOVE LITTLE PUSSY!

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GH=HOLLYWOOD

March 16, 2010

In the past couple of months things that I naturally would overlook have found a way to scream at me and make me notice their pressence amongst us.
I live in Ghana. Africa.
Now Ghanaian people I am beginning to find overly pretentious and God knows its driving me insane and I do so wonder how absolutely tiring it must be to go through all that effort.
WE LIVE A HOLLYWOOD LIFESTYE…..
…..or are we desperately trying to emulate it?
Its ludicrous.
Friday night out in Ghana. Glitz and glamour like we were on some famous Boulevard.
Westlands Boulevard.
Flashy cars, overpriced drinks and food, an entourage, basically posers who have nothing otherwise.
I find all these people tiring.
What do you talk about with them?
“Oh! I like your new shoes”
“Oh I just got them from my holiday in Cancun”
BULLSHIT!! You and who went to Cancun?
Amusing part is they keep having to do this to keep up appearances.
My dear friend “THE FASHIONISTA” and I have been engaged in this conversation where we have sussed out all the Gh-Hollywood people.
Most interesting crew are those who roll ‘ENTOURAGE’ style.
OMG! You havent a clue how real that shit is.
All the characters right here in Ghana.
You would think they did a local casting for future recordings of the show in Ghana. Its amazing. This one I cant even hate! I pity.
Like seriously what happened to having fun with nothing up your arse?
All this ‘I’m stush’ posing.
Do you have fun?
When was the last time you went to a chop bar for some real food?
As my friend ‘THE FASHIONISTA’ said, more than half of these people go to high end restaurants and order food right, but now the question is do they know what they are ordering?
You eat freaking tuo zaafi in your house today you are coming to pose!
WTF.
Fork and knife becomes an issue.
There is a Twi proverb that translates ‘If you cant spell it dont write it’
Why dont you just be you. Life is way too short to be on some stush trip.
Bet your shit dont stink.
Cinnamon and strawberries.
Like that episode of “Family Guy”
I’m too cute to shit.
You really must have something up your arse!
What happened to just hanging out with real people?
Half the people you roll with in the “ENTOURAGE” probably dont like you.
They’re only in it for the money.
Dont get me wrong, I wanna have a great time just as much as the next guy…..
…. but I dont want to pretend I’m something I’m not.
Way too much work.
Truth is….
…..I’ve been there, done that and bought the t-shirt.
Its not the life for me.
I’m not that shallow…..
…….but if I do decide to go Hollywood…..
TRUST THAT….
…..I’d rather have the real Hollywood.:-)

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March 16, 2010

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