Archive for April, 2010

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“SO DID MY DAD AND HIS DAD AND ALL MY OTHER RELATIVES”

April 30, 2010

I haven’t felt inspired in days……
…….so I guess I should be grateful to the ignorant man….
…. who dared utter the words that led to me reaching for my computer……
…… like it was an inhaler and I was having an asthma attack!
You know that adage”
“If you have nothing nice to say, don’t say anything at all?
Whoever said that, couldn’t have said it better.
I wonder who he is and where his family is today.
But it’s the millennium and as such,
Certain adages must be amended to suit the era,
So,
Let it be said,
1000 years from now
That Lorraine said,
“If you are an idiot, you must not speak”! ( say it in Twi)
Some people honestly must not be allowed to use words.
This is my story.
Hehe!
“My testimony”.
It was a beautiful Saturday afternoon and I decided to spend the day with my girl and go to the salon and do the girlie things.
I took a nice shower and got dressed.
I wore a nice, long, tube dress.
Yes a dress.
Anyone who knows me knows how I like my shorts.
Ghana is way too hot to wear clothes that cover so much.
But this dress was light and extremely comfy.
I get into my little Toyota and head into town.
I have to make a quick stop in North Kaneshie to get something…..
……and when I step out of the car,
My tube dress slips down a little bit so I have to pull it up.
So this idiot man,
Standing there,
Who obviously lives hand to mouth and probably hadn’t “lived” that day,
Mutters to the guy next to him
“saa ntari3 n’a mo sh3 n3’ma nkrofu di mo no”
Basically he was saying that our outfits these days cause men to rape us!
The IDIOT!
How in the name of the Holy One does a dress……
……up to my ankles,
In fact, way past my ankles,
And bare shoulders warrant rape???
RAPE???!!!??
I have an idea!!!
Why don’t you spend the time you’re using to discuss my outfit ,
To think of legitimate ways you can put some food in your mouth,
Douche!
It baffles me how a lot of Ghanaian men think that a lot of us women dress to provoke them.
So what?
I dressed up to provoke the man selling dog-chains??
Or the guy selling apples?
Oh! Oh! Better yet,
The very sexy retard begging for alms.
Don’t make me laugh.
Have you ever sat down to think of the fact that we wear some things……
…..because they are comfortable?
Because we live in the tropics,
And somehow the sun shines brighter here than anywhere else????
It’s not all about you , you dumb fucks.
If you have issues controlling your shlong,
What has it got to do with me?
The thing that sets you apart from animals, is your self control,
So you if you feel the need to fuck every woman who shows some skin,
You’re an animal.
I mean seriously.
Do my toes peeking out of my sandals arouse you too? Or my knees?
You wear something and head into town,
And the many bush people in this country stop and stare,
And make all sorts of unnecessary comments under their breaths.
Why does it bother you so much?
Why does my sexiness bother you?
I truly don’t get it.
You wear a pair of shorts,
Or a little dress,
Or a short shirt….
…and automatically you’re a whore?
A “roundabout” girl?
Saa!
Most annoying ones are the ones who actually think they are offering sound advice when they see you wear something.
Say you are wearing a low cut shirt,
Then some random woman goes,
“ssssssssssssssssss”
This is a sound I absolutely despise by the way.
If you try to get my attention that way,
I will so pretend I cannot hear you.
Anyway so this post-kaya woman in her full three piece kaba and slit in the Ghana heat…..
….. calls you and says
“sister, mepa wo cheo, chre w’atari3 ko sro kakra”
Basically,
Young lady pull your shirt up a bit.
Did my full breasts reach out from the shirt and hurt you?
Are your eyes bleeding?
I think not.
Who sent you then?
Why don’t you try NOT looking at them so much then maybe,
Just maybe it won’t bother you so much.
You cannot dress up without someone making some stupid comment….
…..or eyeing you like you’re trying to steal their husband!
I beg oh!
I don’t want your old, pot bellied husband.
I’m very happy with my young and extremely handsome boyfriend ,
thank you very much.
It really gets to me.
Funny thing was I got a henna tattoo about two weeks ago,
Just to see if I would ever want a real one.
I don’t!
Two weeks with that thing was hell.
I couldn’t go anywhere without Jesus’ very own offspring staring down at my leg……
…….. like I had tied Satan himself around it.
Eish!
As3m oooh!
Freedom doesn’t really exist oh!
All these people trying to “sit on my happiness”
I’d appreciate it if somehow,
This piece gets out there on the streets to all the fuckwits,
So they leave me alone.
My sense of style isn’t about to change,
Just to make YOU a little more comfortable,
Or make YOU feel a little more secure in your marriage,
Or make YOU more comfortable about YOUR body.
Or help YOU keep YOUR penis in check.
Sorry.
My life does not in any way revolve around YOU.
So if you see me in the streets,
With my little T-Shirt,
Please don’t ask me to pull it down to cover my midriff.
It’s meant to be exposed.
I like it that way.
Yes, my mother saw me when I left home.
SO DID MY DAD AND HIS DAD AND ALL MY OTHER RELATIVES.
And if you care to know,
I’m not a whore,
No!
I’m merely dressing according to the fantastic weather.
And guess what????
I’m probably a lot more comfortable than you are.

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TENK YOU FOR TUNING IN!

April 15, 2010

I recently heard that song by Tiffany,
Fake London Boy,
And I thought….
…woman!
….you hit the nail right on the head!!
The locally acquired foreign accents in this town are phenomenal!
Lately I find it extremely painful to listen to the radio.
I’m cruising in my little Toyota,
Enjoying the music on the airwaves,
Then some random person cuts in to inform me that I’m listening to “Nay-Yeo”, or “Ray-Hannah” or “Whitley Haston”
It’s not the fact that he is telling me that causes my gag reflex to go into full gear,
It’s the accent he says it with.
The only way I can describe his accent is,
It sounds the way okro soup looks!
Wet and slimy!
I notice also that this man on the radio obviously loves to hear himself speak because he will not shut up!
Ah!
At this point I switch stations in hope that I won’t have to hear another such “programmed” person…
…but no such luck!
Same issue with the next station…….
And the next, and the next….
It’s excruciating!
Tell me you don’t feel the same and you know you will be lying.
I have a question though.
If you go to school to learn to be a radio person right,
Are accents one of the classes you have to take?
So what?
They school you in American English,
English English…..
……. and a mix of Spanish, Aussie and SA English
Because sometimes I can’t even place the accent.
Is having a jumbled up accent a requirement to work on radio?
Funny thing is if you dig deep into the lives of these personalities,
You realize they haven’t even lived abroad for more than a month at a time,
Or they have never been anywhere at all!
Everybody has an accent.
The worst part is because they are trying so desperately to keep the accent going,
They make a shitload of mistakes
And they end up saying “erm erm erm” a lot
Making it even more difficult to keep up with what they are saying….
…….and that grinds my freaking gears!
A lot of them have a way of saying the word “seriously”
Do you know what I’m talking about?
Sometimes the American accent sounds both Texan and New Yorkan!
The people who call into the radio stations also have accents!
Why?
Everywhere people have accents.
I deal with them on a daily basis.
Different issue if you like to pronounce things right,
But a full blown accent when you have lived here all your life is something else.
I met this girl with an American accent of some sort,
Asked her how long she’s been in Ghana,
She says all her life.
So I ask her how come she has an accent and she had this story about how when she was a kid they had all sorts of American guests at their house so she picked it up.
I had a lot of Northern watchmen at my house when I was young,
Tongo, Yakubu, Haruna, Awuni,
And our house help who liked to bite my brother, Asibi!
But I don’t speak like them!
On the TV, on the Radio, in my Office
I hear the okro people speak.
Everything is innit!
Cheers mate!
Yeah Bruv!
You know what I’m talking about yeah! Lol!!!!!!
And those with the Jamaican accents make me laugh the most.
There’s this Ghanaian artist I stumbled across who said he was Ghanaian representing Jamaica!
My word!
I couldn’t even tell what he was trying to say when he started to speak.
How about the people who go out of town for about 6months,
And come back….
…….and you can barely understand them
It disgusts me.
You and me f3333 were born here oh!
Stop that!
Or those “akata” guys who try to chat you up with their nasty accents?
Or the girls who are suddenly British because they’ve seen a fine guy!
Damn all you people!
There’s a woman I know
An okro one
And when she speaks,
She speaks at the top of her voice so EVERY SINGLE PERSON
May hear her nasty jumbled up accent.
Half the time I want to tell her to shut the fuck up but alas…
…. I can’t encroach on her right to freedom of speech like that!
The funniest thing was when Donaeo was here last week.
One of his radio interviews….
I bet the okro person who was interviewing him could barely understand what he was saying.
I was embarrassed for him.
At that point you drop your accent and let the African Warrior out.
Why can’t we just be the Ghanaians that we are.
That’s why I always say I love Nigerians.
The way they talk is the way they talk.
According to my boyfriend,
I need to learn to have patience….
….Namaste!
But how can I……..
….when just as I feel like I have the whole patience thing on lock,
I turn on my radio and hear an okro man say….
Tenk you for tuning in!

For you Stef Russell

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IF YOU HEAR MY WHISTLE GO……

April 14, 2010

You might not agree with me….
…because you might not be one of the people I’ll be talking about in this piece…
But I honestly think…
The average Ghanaian girl/woman,
Has an appalling dress sense!
I’m not even hating here.
I was at the Ghana Music Awards this weekend,
and the fashion faux pas I saw that night warranted the presence of the fashion police.
They would have had a field day!
I wish I had had a camera to show you some of the atrocious things I saw.
Now I know Ghanaian folks love fashion…..
….but the problem is we copy ever so blindly.
It’s almost retarded.
Sometimes you see someone wearing something and you genuinely wonder if they have friends……
…because I know my friends WILL tell me if I look a mess.
Unless your friends hate you,
then that’ll explain your appearance.
Or do people see themselves differently from the way other people do because all this nastiness on our streets confuses me.
You see at first it was just the chicks who committed these heinous fashion crimes…..
For some reason,
The guys have taken it up too….
….and they have run with it……
…….copying fashion trends that really have no place in this part of the world.
What is wrong with you people?
I saw a man with a wool scarf around his neck at the event.
WOOL!
Now I know the dome was cold,
But he wasn’t even in the building,
He was one of those “ticketless” ones outside!
I understand that certain things are in fashion,
But have you taken a second to look at your body type,
Or your face,
And done yourself (and me) a favour by at least trying to figure out what is befitting for you?
Like that girl I know who splashes colour on her face like it was a canvass….
…..and she Picasso!…
…….hoping that it will turn out to be a masterpiece when it’s done.
I don’t think your eyebrows are meant to reach your ears honey.
And the blusher is not a substitute for foundation or face powder!
Make-up is meant to ENHANCE you natural beauty .
If makes you uglier than you are,
Think twice.
You see it’s nice when you see it on other people,
But these are people who understand the proper use of each item in their make-up bag.
The mistake we make,
The biggest one,
Is trying to replicate what we see in the music videos in real life.
I have some bad news for you shitheads!
The truth is,
The stars don’t really wear those things in real life.
Their videos are like theatrical productions,
Most things are exaggerated
And those outfits you look at and drool over,
are actually “costume”
Have any clue what that is?
Let me spell it out.
“C-O-S-T-U-M-E”
I’ll define it too if you want.
How in the good Lord’s name do you wear a pair of knee length fishnet tights, with a lycra dress when you are almost equivalent to a whale.
I know skinny blinks who won’t even go near lycra because they are scared their “bits” will hang out.
What business have YOU got in the lycra department?
Or boots!
In Ghana?
Seriously!?
My feet even sweat in sandals.
Why do you wear a bustier style dress,
When your breasts literally spill out of it,
And you have to pull it up every few seconds?
Or a really short skirt when you have cellulite like you were branded by your owner?
It’s not just at the GMA’s!
It’s everywhere.
On the streets, in the universities, offices, parties,
EVERY FREAKING WHERE!
I am being attacked by the horrible dressers!
Like that time with the guy at Papaye in a “chinchilla” coat.
Charlie!
He must have been out of his mind!
Or that guy I saw in the bubble jacket after it has rained.
Why are people bringing these things to Ghana anyway?
I mean if you brought it because when you were coming from “Abrokyire” it was cold,
Wait and wear it when you go back!
I get hot just looking at people punish themselves that way.
I saw this guy in skinny jeans that stopped just above his ankles….
With a pair of plimsolls that looked like bedroom slippers!
Now if a dog saw you and bit you,
You wouldn’t understand!
It’s not HOT or SEXY you fuckwit!
It’s not meant to be worn that way.
If you absolutely must wear it,
Get it in your size.
The jeans that is…
I have never claimed to be a very fashionable person,
In fact I’m very cautious about what I put on my frame because I know my body type
It’s not just the clothes.
It’s the hair….
….the accessories!
But that will be another day.
Why do people feel like because something is in fashion……….
……..they must wear it at all cost?
Why must you wear daisy dukes…..…
……when you have an ass blacker that night.
I don’t care how skinny you are,
That is not cool!
The one that irks me the most are the people who wear cocktail dresses and heels to a hip-hop concert!
Yes!
A freaking Hip Hop concert!
How are you going get up and jam with the rest of the crowd you waste of space?
And people who don’t SHAVE/WAX their legs and insist on wearing short clothes!
It’s not like they have fine hair too,
It’s that curly kind!
Nastiness!
Maybe I should get someone who knows a lot about fashion to put together a little guide book, and give it out for FREE.
I’m sorry but I truly have no patience for people with no style or general grooming sense.
It’s not rocket science.
If you wear a short skirt, don’t wear a short shirt.
Floral prints and stripes kinda don’t match very well.
Weaves must be made to look as natural as possible!
We know it’s a weave honey,
You don’t need to let the whole world see how it was done.
Girl boxers do not double as shorts and your lingerie cannot be used as swimwear!
And don’t do those super thick acrylic nails!
It’s not a good look.
I don’t think you’re meant to wear a silk shirt in the afternoon,
And walk in the sun all day.
Three piece suits are not for work…..
You cannot ……
…..and I repeat
CANNOT
Wear your bed sheets, curtains or tablecloth out of the house!
Let’s leave that in the era Sound of Music was done.
Pajamas are inexcusable too!
Oh!
And one more thing….
It’s dark outside…
…..take those sunglasses off!
I just think it’ll be wise if…
….just before you leave home…
…..take a second….
…stand in front of your mirror….
….and ask yourself…..
….WHAT AM I WEARING?
That way,
If you hear my whistle go…….
You know you are not the culprit!

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YE WHO HATH NOT SINNED CAST THE FIRST STONE

April 5, 2010

I have been in a constant battle with certain people in my life for a long time.

The fight never ends and this has led to me completely avoiding such people now.

Conversations with such people have become painful.

Every single text message,

 BBMessage…

 ….. or forward MUST be related to the very subject they piss me off with.

Sometimes I meet new people and once I have disclosed the fact that I DON’T GO TO CHURCH……

 …..they have the audacity to try and convince me to come to theirs.

 It’s not the fact that they asked me to that irks me so,

 …it’s the way they ask!

 Mtchew!

As if the existing people in my life haven’t tried.

You see my dislike for fellowship…..

 …stems from my very (traumatizing :-)) childhood…..

See the only reason why I used to go to church to begin with was because there was a catch.

My dad would say…

“ If you don’t go to church, you can’t go swimming”

What aqua baby will not go to church after such a proposition?

 Tesano club those days…..

…..Spicy, chewy kebabs and Portello after my vigorous “workout”

That was a good enough reason for me to deal with two or three hours of ….

……”Children’s Service”….

….and, when I graduated……

…..”Youth Service”……

 ….which was really a parade of what everyone else was wearing…..

 ….or the opportunity to see that boyfriend from Christ the King or Morning Star!

You Ridge Church folk know what I’m talking about.

Our church was an extension of our school.

We come and show off 5days in the week,

Then on the Sabbath we herald the competition in full “mufti”

Yes! I said mufti!

I’m not saying I don’t believe in God.

 I’ll be a fool not to believe.

I mean look at the world around us.

The awesomeness of the universe screams the works of our Almighty Father.

I love God,

 I believe he exists….

I believe he sent His Son to die for us and all…..

 …..but I don’t like church!!!

Sitting in a room early in the morning,

Singing Hymns,

The long drone of a sermon….

….Truly doesn’t do it for me.

I yawn so much in church its embarrassing.

 You might call me the “anti-Christ, devil, non-believer, witch”……

 Whatever!

My thing is half the people I know who are so religious….

The Bible wielding….

 ……Memory verse reciting……

….demon casting….

…Jesus Soldiers…..

…. are a pretentious bunch.

Not all of you oh! I beg.

But a lot of you.

Where in the Bible does it say you should shun people because they are of a lower social class than you?

 Where does it say you are at liberty to poke fun at and make people feel any less important because you happen to look a bit better than they do….

 ….or have a bit more than they do?

A lot of such people go to church….

….sit in front…….

 ….and when it’s time to give the offering…

 ….they flash big bucks in the air before dropping it in the bag or box,

 …..signifying their superiority over the next man.

PLEASE!

The no sex before marriage commandment…

 …last I checked…

 ….did not come with a clause!

Drugs, Alcohol….

…..Sodom and Gomorrah type parties….

God never said,

 If you are my confirmed child,

 If you go to “MY HOUSE” each Sabbath,

You are exempted from my rules.

These are the same people who come to me and say things like….

…”oh! Fellowship is important; it makes us one with God”

 Have I told you I am not one with God?

 My only response to that is,

When God comes to judge me,

 I sincerely doubt that he will on account of how many times I stepped in “HIS HOUSE”

He will judge me according to what is in my heart.

I’m not a bad person.

I’ve never raped or killed anyone.

Look at all these pastors these days making headlines.

They are in the Church literally every day aren’t they?

 Do you sincerely believe that….

 …because they are in Church constantly…..

….God will excuse the time they had carnal knowledge of that 9year old girl?

 Or that God will excuse the time they kept concubines….

…..and set them ablaze when these concubines tried to tell the world what they had been doing?

I doubt that Our God is all about the Church.

Our God is a “heart man”

I see half of these Churches as money making ventures.

My house is surrounded by five churches.

Yes five.

One is a Jehovah’s Witness one.

 I love those people.

 Anyway, so five churches right?

I don’t go to any of them.

But I enjoy listening to them from my bathroom….

….bedroom or living room.

 I am surrounded by the word of God.

The loudest one,

The one I hear the most when I’m in the kitchen on Sunday morning,

 Is the one asking the congregation to bring their friends next week

 So they will be given a special place to sit in order to take more money from them as offering.

It is the church that is selling cloth for GH¢ 40.00….

…to women……

YES! WOMEN!( you gullible lot!)

Who came to pray to God to alleviate their poverty in the first place.

 I thought speaking in tongues came naturally!

When you are filled with the spirit.

Or am i lost?

This church commands the whole congregation to speak in tongues at a point.

 What a special congregation!

 This Church only prays that the congregation will get dollars….

 …and go to AMERICA.

HA!

 I am not the anti-Christ.

I am just realistic person.

And unlike a lot of these overly religious people…..

I am not a ‘RELIGION SNOB” either.

Scientology, Islam, Buddhism….

 Heck!

Church Of Oprah!

All these religions stand for the good right?

Everyone is trying to do some good and there is belief in a higher, absolute power.

Isn’t that what our precious Christianity is about?

 But at the end of the day I find Christians extremely judgmental when it comes to other religions.

I don’t see my Muslim friends trying to convince me that Islam is the right religion.

But Christians are always quick to point out the folly in worshiping Allah.

Allah is God you dumb fucks!

Allah IS a higher power.

All I’m trying to say is,

 Action , KICC, Lighthouse, Central.

They all mean nothing to me.

 If I decide to go back to the church,

 Maybe I’ll go back to Ridge Church…

…or Calvary Methodist.

 Or a church that won’t ask so much in terms of material things from me, but just my heart.

If the pastor is asking that I give him money in order for him to be able to pray for me?

Trust that I will not be going to that church.

If the pastor is asking to see some part of my body,

 or touch some part of my body,

 So I may be delivered….

 ….I’d rather stay in sin thank you very much.

So….

 …if ever you should meet me

Don’t convince me to go to church.

I’ll figure that out in my own time….

…like you probably did.

And if you judge me……

 ….and in your mind you say….

….she is the devil…

 …..all I’ll say to you is…

 ….Ye who hath not sinned, cast the first stone!

Dedicated to my sister,brother and boyfriend.

They are the only ones who will appreciate this fully.

Love you guys muchly! xoxo