Archive for May, 2010

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“Fairy” terrible Fairies.

May 16, 2010

Just when I thought there was hope for the law enforcers of this country,
Some dickwad had to wash out the credibility of at least five hundred men.
Maybe more….
Today was amazing.
I should have known the smooth sailing was too good to be true.
After a myriad of lunches and catching up with friends,
I was on my way home…..
….finally.
I was in rush to get home so my better half could as well.
We had had a long and spontaneous day.
So,
We’re cruising through the town….
….only stopping briefly at checkpoints to give the law enforcers the opportunity to ascertain,
With only a torch….
…yes!
…. a torch that they bought from Melcom….
…. so I know it has no special X-ray or night vision qualities.
Anyway….
…so with the wave of their flashlight (like a fairy, waving their wand and spreading fairy dust all over)
The Ghana Police can tell you who is a possible threat to society and who is not.
Wow!
Let’s clap for Ghana!
At each stop,
My better half says to me…
“Don’t roll the windows down”
I listen.
Like the obedient girl that I am.
As luck would have it,
We get to yet another “torch stop.”
I bring the car to a slow halt……
….turn on the inside lights,
And wait for the Magic Fairy Dust!
This particular Fairy did not want to just wave his wand oh!
He wanted to see Cinderella.
The better half said “don’t roll down”
…. but this guy kept knocking at the window.
I had no choice.
So I roll down the window which does its own thing and goes all the way down to the end.
I feel overexpose so I proceed to roll it up slightly.
Then the Fairy goes…..
“Ah! What is that?”
Instinctively I want to say “it is a window”
But I opt for a more provocative comeback.
I ask him what his problem is.
Then he says,
“Don’t you know we are policemen here”
I was tempted to say,
no ,I honestly thought it was Halloween,
But I didn’t want to cause the man any sort of mental harm as I doubt that his level of intellect will include the knowledge of Halloween.
My better half asks him if there is a problem and the Fairy goes,
“PARK”
In that annoying tone of forced authority,
Because we all know no one really has any respect for the Ghanaian police.
So my better half says to me “don’t park” so I don’t.
The boyfriend was on the roll with the instructions!
The Fairy says “what is in your boot?”
I say nothing.
He says “I want to look in your boot”
Let me mention here that Fairies in this part of the world have a serious “boot” fixation.
I want to go home,
So I pop the trunk open and tell him to go have a look.
He says “I can’t go alone”
The Fairy was scared.
That was funny.
Law Fairy paa!
Afraid to be called a thief!
My better half says to him
“You said you wanted to look, go ahead, I can’t get out”
He had had enough of the nonsense.
We both had.
I’m pretty sure it took a lot of self control,
Not to get out of the car and clobber the douche!
Ah!
Our policemen abuse their power and poor Ghanaians who don’t know their rights let these people trample all over them.
It’s sad!
This same fuckwit Fairy,
Stopped me a few months ago and asked me to park.
It was a little after 1am and I was on my way home….
…tired after a long day at work.
The fool asked me to park.
Why?
He said I was beautiful and would like my number.
Ok he said it like this.
“Ei seesta! You are fine girl oh! Gimme your nomma!”
Again with that tone that screamed,
“Desperate attempt at being authoritative.”
Look at me I’m a Policeman!
Look at me I can tell you to jump and you’ll say how high.
You stopped the wrong chick mister!
I was well gobsmacked!
I asked “is this seriously the reason why you stopped me?”
I proceeded to tell him how I thought he was not serious and should not be in the position he is now.
Instead of being concerned for my safety,
And ensuring that I’m well on my way in order to be home soon,
You’re stopping me for something as stupid , idiotic, witless and imbecilic as this?
I was absolutely livid and this guy was obviously scared.
Because he realized his level of stupidity at that point.
Seriously Ghana Police Fairies why?
The ones who slay me are the ones who ask for money like beggars on the street.
Only thing I ask when they do is “don’t they pay you”
What am I paying taxes for?
Why must I condone this rubbish?
You are not handicapped!
Even the handicapped ones kwraa I’m choosy.
So why?
Its either they are collecting money from us or abusing their power.
I wonder how much they “make” a day.
Like the trotro mates,
I wonder if Ghanaian Policemen sit down at the close of business and count their “sales”
I sincerely have no patience for our law enforcers.
They don’t even have to do anything to irritate me,
They just have to exist.
I know they are there to protect and serve us but somehow I don’t think that is communicated to them when they join the force.
I would like to know what they are taught.
Really truly!
I gave my colleague a ride home last week because he literally lives behind my house.
At his junction, I had to take a right to go to mine,
And smack in the middle of the road,
Some guy had parked.
At this point my colleague had stepped out of the car and had proceeded to walk towards his house.
I started to blow my horn like a crazy person,
Don’t blame me…..
….. I was desperate to get home!
Didn’t care how much noise I was making.
Just my luck this was going be a battle because….
……. the guy wouldn’t move.
He asked that I squeeze my car past him.
3be ko!! ( it will go)
Is what some passerby who really should have minded his own business kept saying.
But I know my little Toyota.
It isn’t that little.
I was going crazy.
I was tired and I needed a shower.
At this point I saw my colleague turn around and start to walk back towards me.
He went straight to the parked idiot and started telling him off for parking in the middle of the road and having the nerve to flatly refuse to move.
The fool got upset.
You M’om!
I didn’t get why HE was tripping!
It was all about to make sense in….
……5-4-3-2-1-!
The Fool got out of his car and pointed at something hanging from his rearview mirror while screaming and making frenzied gestures with him somewhat short hands.
The inscription on the hanging thingie read:
Wait for it, wait for it…..
Drumroll and trumpets please……………
Ghana Police!
Then the words that came out of his mouth next,
To my colleague who was entreating him to do the right thing were,
“If you don’t stop insulting me I will arrest you”
At that point I did a double take.
Arrest him?
For what?
For having the guts to tell you to move your car,
That you probably bought with your “sales”?!
I was genuinely bewildered.
They keep doing the wrong thing but penalize us civilians when we do the same things.
The situation with our police force is extremely dismal.
It breaks my heart.
I have no time to exchange pleasantries when they try to act all macho.
Majority of them are short and skinny too.
Bet I could beat you if you didn’t have a gun.
Mtcheeeew!
I remember one time I was driving at circle.
I had just gone round the circle, getting ready to approach the former Fanmilk depot…..
……..when a policeman stopped me.
Not because I had done anything wrong…..
…… but because he was trying to stop some trotro driver going in the same direction as I was.
Basically he was trying to get the trotro driver to use another route,
But the driver wasn’t having it because he said the proposed route wasn’t going to lead him to his destination.
They are such bullies.
That isn’t the way to get people to do something especially if they are not wrong.
I was seething with rage on behalf of the trotro driver.
Coming from me that was deep because half the time I want to kill these people.
So this police man,
The man of the Law had stopped this trotro driver in the middle of the road,
Causing a jam.
So I proceed to move because it was crazy and I need to get back to work.
The fool decides to cross the road at that point, in the direction I was driving, past my car.
Then he starts banging on my bonnet.
I stop and instantly tell ihm he’s being silly stopping the guy in the middle of the road.
Asked him if he didn’t realize the traffic jam he was causing because of one vehicle.
He got upset and started to say some things that I suspect was in “Twinglish”
I did not particularly understand so I started to laugh.
Maybe I shouldn’t have.
I couldn’t help it.
He threatened to arrest me.
I said for what, told him to fuck off and I drove off only to hear cheers coming from behind me.
A pick-up truck with about 1000 men stopped at my side and said to me
“wa y3’a di3 paa! Omo ejimi dodo”
Translates: You’ve done well, they are way too stupid.
I laughed all the way back to my office.

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ARE YOU ENLIGHTENED?

May 12, 2010

Today I saw something.
I saw something that literally made me want to bring up all the nasty kokoo and beans I had for lunch.
It was right in front of me and I looked at its legs.
The SHE had bleached!
Jesus!
Why do people do that?
The back of her legs looked like a burnt pizza without all the toppings.
Just the base with the tomato sauce.
Nasty as hell!
Splotchy all over.
I can understand if some random woman in Jamestown does this to herself,
But lately it’s the highly enlightened (no pun intended)….
….and educated people I see subjecting themselves to this foolishness.
How insecure are you to actually take money and go out and buy cream that makes you look like Frosty the Snowman’s long lost sister?
It’s crazy.
I know three women who have attempted to bleach in their lifetime.
One of them did it and admitted it.
She said the men liked her better light.
It’s always about a man with us women.
When will we learn?
The same man telling you he likes you light….
……is laughing with his friends when your name comes up…..
…..because he’s suddenly remembered how absolutely dark your inner thighs were when he pried them open last night.
He also remembered how ghostly you looked in that photo from the dinner party you went to last week.
Why is he still with you if he’s laughing?
Because you give it to him easy.
And you would do anything he says,
Including changing your pigmentation.
He doesn’t have to beg like he does with his real girlfriend.
The dark beautiful one who he will end up marrying and having kids with.
The sad thing is you’re constantly broke because you’re spending all your money on all these lightening products.
It ain’t cheap too.
GH¢100.00 plus for a tub of bleaching agent?
And it’s not even Crème de la Mer!
Not only is it nasty,
There are health implications too.
And you smell funny.
Have I said enough to deter you?
They know this yet they continue.
Maybe bleaching is like doing drugs.
Or like Pringles.
“Once you pop, you can’t stop”
Hehehe!
But on a more serious note…..
Why do people bleach?
A question I ask all the time.
Why?
But I don’t get solid answers.
My mother is really light.
When I was a child, people used to laugh at me and say I was adopted.
But do you see me bleaching?
No!
Because I realize it takes all kinds.
We all can’t be the same.
Ghanaian chicks have “obaa kokoo” complex.
Your best friend is light so when you go out with her all the guys chat HER up and not YOU!
Honey if they only like her for the colour she is, they’re so not worth your time.
They say “Black is beautiful”
True to some extent but I have seen some damn ugly black people in my lifetime.
But that is not the point.
If you’re black and ugly,
Why do you think if you become light,
You’ll be more beautiful?
Au contraire!
Learn to appreciate you…..
……and the rest of the world will follow suit.
If you don’t love you, how do expect anyone to.
My favourite “bleachers” are the ones who do it and say…..
“oh! I’m toning my skin”
Hahahahahahahaha!
Really?
Did you read the bottle?
Did it say “ Fair and White”
Toning my ass.
Can you tone your scalp too while you’re at it?
Is there a “toning” shampoo and conditioner?
Because when you part your hair I see the difference dummy!
It’s crystal clear.
Or those who start bleaching when they are really young,
Then lie to you that they are mixed race.
When their mother and father are both darker than Gabourey Sidibe in the movie “Precious”
You’re not fooling me honey.
I asked someone why they bleached.
This person said to me that there was pressure from the society to be lighter.
Really?
They said:
“Haven’t you noticed that all the girls in the adverts on TV and billboards are light?”
First thing I thought when I heard this was no way you didn’t say that!!!!!
Did the billboard come and hold your hand and lead you to the store to buy the product?
Did it take the money from your purse and hand it to the cashier?
Did it smear the “stuff” on your skin?
No I don’t think so!
So what pressure are you talking about?
Complexes kill!
If being friends with a light skinned person gives you a complex,
Honey I don’t know how to help you.
But I know this for sure,
Bleaching won’t change you on the inside.
The funniest bleachers of all are the ones to leave Ghana for holidays abroad,
As dark as dark can be,
And come back looking like Nadia Buari!
Eish!
Saa?!?!
What happened?
How did you get that way?
When you ask them,
They open their mouths and insult you by saying….
….”It was the weather oh!”
“i just got back from the States”
How come me di3 when I travel it doesn’t happen to me?
Why did you swim in snow?
I was on holiday in London with a friend of mine and she wouldn’t wear a jacket no matter how chilly it was.
Ask her why,
She would say “Oh! I want to become fair oh!”
It’s crazy!!!!
Maybe we should start using a lot more dark people for ad campaigns.
It might help the situation because honestly,
I’m shy of anyone I know personally who has bleached!
I can’t look at them for long.
I’m genuinely shy.
Have all sorts of disrespectful thoughts running through my head.
When I see such people,
And I’m not sure….
….all I ask is
ARE YOU ENLIGHTENED?(pun very much intended!)