Archive for January, 2011



January 3, 2011

So another Christmas just rolled on by.
Happy New Year people!!
Hopefully this year will be better than the last.

First of all let me apologize for my long hiatus.
the loss of my little Toyota left me with very little zeal to do anything….
….but its a new year and people will continue to annoy me…..
…..’cause you know thats my fuel….
… so this blog continues.

So Christmas!
Went by pretty quickly didnt it?
Thank God!!!
Was getting pretty tiring.
No i’m not a grinch but the chaos is utterly ridiculous at that time of year.

When i was younger, Christmas was such a beautiful season.
The carols, family, presents, no school.
Sigh! nostalgia.
As a matter of fact i always thought that once Christmas day came, we were automatically in a new year.
Things were simple back then.(and then again maybe i was a simpleton hehehe)

All you had to do was go to bed on Christmas eve,even though it was the hardest thing to do due to deathly levels of excitement….
…..wake up in the morning…
…we’re talking 10-11pm… (hey! i was below 10years old)
….and usually by this time Santa would not have made his much expected appearance, so disappointed, we would go to bed and try each hour till we get results.
What was that about Santa?

But that was when we were younger.
Christmas today has taken on a totally different meaning.
Christmas had a makeover and didnt tell anybody….
…and now Santa doesnt make an appearance anymore.

Today Christmas is a fierce competition.
A battle of all sorts of egos and statuses ….
Its pretty entertaining to observe.
It truly is.

What do I mean?

So at Christmas its nice to have family who live abroad come back home.
Nothing like Christmas when your family is complete.
But there are many pros and cons to your coming back oooh.
Please! if no one will say it I will!
(with hand u: teacher please me me me!!)

The traffic when the “amanone” people “drop” is retarded.
For us the working class, getting things done becomes twice as hard and its utterly frustrating.
Last year I couldnt even come out of my office because the traffic started from my gate and you know how Ghanaian drivers are.
When they see you are obviously trying to get in the queue, kw3333 their krakye powers increase tenfold.
Thats when you see everyone inching closer to bumpers when in reality there isnt much room to manoeuvre begin with.

Even at night there is traffic.(con)
The armed robbers dont like that. It slows business.(pro)
We dont have enough roads to hold all of us on a regular day let alone 1001 extra poeple and cars all at a go.
This is my theory for the traffic situation.

People dont like car pooling or being picked up or whatever…
…everyone wants to be seen behind the wheel…
…”me too I have a car some”
Eish what I would give for a driver!!!
But that would be a luxury at this point in my existence.

There’s some ongoing competition some of us dont know about.

And its not just the traffic when these amononites come oooh!
Charlie traffic is trivial compared to the phenomenon that sweeps over the capital.

‘The Innit Syndrome’
Everywhere you hear people going “innit innit”
Me and you dey here all year but I hear you in the corner going innit.
Saa m’ome.
If thats the way you choose to roll thats cool.

Everyone is trying to belong.
Sadly its pretty easy to pick out the chaff.
Dont ask me how.
On this particular matter my lips are sealed.

Accents change, style of dress change, attitudes change.
People who have been in the capital all year start moaning about how hot it is,how smelly Osu is and hold their noses as they pass through.
Please hasnt it been like that all year round?
Suddenly they dont know what nkate konto or ebunu ebunu is.
‘Oh wow! you still eat with your hands?’
Oh hush! if you could eat koko with your hands i bet you would.
‘Omg! Your car doesnt have airconditioning?’
You’re lucky you’re not riding the trotro today.Nonsense!
Some people dont even hang out with the same friends anymore.
They dogg out the ride or die buddies and find some innit friends to make them look good.
Status rising.

As a matter of fact they should call this season ‘Hunting Season’ because thats exactly what it is.
As the amanonites drop, guys are literally at the airport staking their claim over which one is theirs and which one they would like to make theirs….
….obviously only for the season.
….cuz once they’re gone, its done….
Till same time next year its goodbye for now.
The more amanonites you know,the higher your status.

Even the azonto chicks and guys (can a guy be azonto?) want appear like they’ve been somewhere.
Case in point one fante artist at the Rick Ross concert….shhhh!

Oh oh oh! and when I say amanonites I’m referring to those from Europe and the Americas.
If you’re in Ghana from South Africa( we have a Mr Price outlet here also), Japan, China and India, please sharrap and sit down.
Dont start feeling like this applies to you.
Especially those from India.

As a matter of fact, forget everything I said above.
Amanonites are basically the people from London.
Not the UK oh! London! yes!( apparently London is a whole country…ignorance is bliss)

They drown out all the others.
All the event ads go….
…..” guest DJ blah blah blah from London”
…. ” its the biggest London party right here in Ghana”
Its like its the only place that exists.

For such a small place (I’m not talking geography) it gets mad props!
Where are the Americans in the mix.
In fact at this time of year its very weird to hear an American accent.
Doesnt mean they arent here….
…they are.

This season also causes a lot of relationships to go sour.
These innit chicks have a way of bringing out the insecurities in the local chicks.
If you say i’m lying, then you have been a victim.
You also must sharrap and sit down.
Thank you for your cooperation.
You see girlfriends following their boyfriends everywhere like little dogs……
…..holding on for dear life.
If he runs off with one of them, naturally, it’ll be a disaster but it wont be a natural disaster….you will live!
What is that?
If you cant trust your man at this time of year, you never can.

And these amanonites like show!
They want to go to all the hotspots….
…every single day of the 2-3 weeks they are here…..
…oh! and they bring their friends.
….so by the time they leave our poor boys are broke.(r)

My advice;strategize better for that time of year.
Its January now,
If you’re expecting ‘innit’ people in December, start saving this month and by end of the year,you’ll be the one everyone will be scrambling to hang out with.

Alternatively, its not by force innit?



January 3, 2011

August 10TH 2010.
Happy Birthday Kuukua.

This day was my nightmare.
You know how a lot of us go through life…….
…..hearing stories about horrbile things happening to other people,
feeling a slight tinge of pity for them and then moving on completely assured that it will and can NEVER happen to us?

That was definitely me before the “incident’

For the longest time I refused to talk about it and a lot of times when asked what happened….
…my defences go up and I get upset.
Now i can look back and laugh because really….
…shit does happen to the best of us.
And like the say, what wont kill you, will only make you stronger(now singing I will survive)

7:30PM, after a long and arduous day at work, I cross the road with my adopted little sister to my car.
We’re having a lovely chat about all sorts of things under the sun and this is rudely interrupted by a motor bike zooming past us and screeching to a halt, startling us both.
I comment on how dodgy this is but the cyclist rides off into the night and we both dismiss this occurence.

In retrospect, this might have been an omen.

We get to my car….
…we say goodnight…
….she turns to walk back towards the office.

Now i’m in my car.

With the ignition running,
I proceed to take my phone out of my pocket to place in the well between the handbrake and gear lever when suddenly….
…this dude appears at my door and opens it!

Why didnt I lock the door like i always do when i get in the car?

I look up thinking its Eric from work being his usual silly self passing by to say goodnight or something like that.
Then I notice the pistol staring me right in the face.
That was when the gravity of the situation dawned on me.
“Please get out the car’ the guy says in a gruff voice.
I turn to look at the passengers side and this other guy is getting ready to hop into the car.

I slowly start to get out of the car while trying to grab my phone.
Dont know what i was thinking.
“Leave it” the guy says.

The owners of my belongings had come for their things.

I step out ofthe car but somehow my hands are still in it and they are doing their own thing.
All I can hear is the blaring of a horn.
Its me. I’m doing it.
“Lorraine do you want to die?” I ask my hands.
They dont mind me.
“Do you want to die bitch!” I ask again…
They concede and once all of lorraine is fully out of the car, a third guy hops in and they speed off…..
with my car….the one they bought me.
Yes that one.
Along with my Blackberry, iPhone, Nokia,my harddrive two really cute pairs of shoes, my favourite handbag, my favourite purse, two of my favourite sunglasses, $400, a couple of Naira and about Ghc500.
If there was a soundtrack to my life,
as they drove away,
we all should have heard…

I never knew what the word helpless really meant until i watched my car being driven away by not one, not two but three random men.
Yes i screamed. Yes i cried.
I even sat on the street….
….dont juge me. what would you have done?
But none of this would bring it back(i later learned)

My Superman for that night was my dad. He was called. I was picked up.
Somewhere in that mix, my colleagues had called radio and police stations to alert them of the incident.

We still went to Joy FM to report the crime ( I cant help but laugh at this point) and then we went to the Kaneshie Police Station because the ‘crime’ had occured within their area of jurisdiction.
In actual fact this is where the story begins so lets just say…..