Archive for March, 2011

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WWLD

March 14, 2011

So I was just sitting at my desk ….
….minding my own business you know.
Listening to Adele and trying to get shit done.
Out of the corner of my eye I see a flashing red light.
I look up from the work I am so deeply engrossed in…
…and realize the persistent red light is my Blackberry……
NEW MESSAGE!!
Happy !Happy! Joy! Joy! ( you know that inexplicable excitement when u get a new message)
Anyway so I take a break from what I’m busy typing…
…. to open this NEW MESSAGE I’m so excited about…..
…and this is the foolishness that greeted me,
on this beautiful yet uninspiring day.
“If you love the devil close this txt.
If you love God & glad he woke u up today.
Send this to all ur contacts.”

First of all gasp at the obvious grammatical error….
….as well as punctuation faux pas.
I mean IF YOU absolutely MUST send me a broadcast….
…correct it so it is pleasing to my eye…(yes my eye)
…BEFORE you hit the damn send button!
Five seconds after my mental expression of utter disgust at the sender’s inability to spot the error,
the reality of the situation hit me and I thought…
…HOW ABSOLUTELY 1st grade!
Class 1!
SYfuckingTO ( Syto) that message was!
I mean COME ON!
When did Christianity/ Faith/ Religion/ God become so radical??
When did it come to this?
“If you love the Devil?”
REALLY?
Damn you for threatening me with that message.
I love BBM.
I think it’s a wonderful way to connect with people.
It has helped me paaa in life because I am terrible at keeping in touch……
……but the blatant display of ignorance via this wonderful piece of technology is disturbing.
First of all…
…are you trying to convert me?
Are you trying to get me to say thanks to the Lord?
Are you trying to ascertain whether or not I’m a devil worshipper?
Do tell me.
What the fuck are you trying to achieve with this very basic message you just sent me?
And these things go round like fucking viruses.
One ignorant person sends it and the rest follow.
If you’re reading this and you’ve sent this message to anyone today….
…kindly do me a favour and slap yourself.
Have you done it?
Thank you.
Guilt tripping people to act “Holy” is NOT the way to go.
Some dumb ass people will feel bad and copy and paste(and ignore all the grammatical errors)
And send to all their contacts….(Muslims and Buddhists included if your contact list is as diverse as mine is)
And instead of the recipient (me) acknowledging that indeed…
…”Jesus is Lord”….
….you end up just pissing people (like me) off with your juvenile intro…
…”If you love the devil…”
Pure fuckery!
I don’t get why people try so desperately to prove their level of piety to other fellow human beings.
Why do u assume you’ll go to heaven any faster if you (allow yourself to be guilt tripped to) send some broadcast.
I didn’t get the memo that God had changed his modus operandi.
Now I’m sure some of you over pious people are gasping and going…
“Forgive her Father for she knows not what she is doing”
I won’t come on here and impose my beliefs of anyone….
…so in the same way I would appreciate it if you wouldn’t either.
Thank you. (my piece titled YE WHO HATH NOT SINNED will shed more light on my stance on this issue)
And it’s not just the messages about loving the devil and hating God.
It’s stupid games like this one…..
WARNING: YOU MIGHT BECOME MORE STUPID AFTER READING THE FOLLOWING FEW LINES.
EXTRA DUMB PEOPLE SHOULD OPEN WIKIPEDIA AND READ SOMETHING SMART RIGHT AFTER VIEWING THIS.
…..here goes…
“We are playing a game.
Someone proposed that we GIRLS do something special to help with Breast Cancer Awareness.
It’s easy, and I’d like you to join us help it spread.
Last year it was about writing the colour of the bra that you were wearing in your status and it left men wondering for days why the girls had random colours as their status.
This year it has to do with your relationship status.
You will state where you are by posting one of the codes below.
Blueberry: I’m single
Pineapple: It’s complicated
Raspberry: I’m a touch and go woman
Apple: Engaged
Cherry: In a relationship
Banana: I’m married
Avocado: I’m the other one
Strawberry: Can’t find the right one
Lemon: Wish I was single
Grape: Want to get married”

Instantly you realize how absolutely retarded this game is.
First of all….
…why don’t you just put up an actual BREAST CANCER related message as your status message if you’re so genuinely adamant about supporting the cause.
How will my fucking (fruit)relationship status aid in BREAST CANCER awareness?
My fruit status is highly irrelevant!
Nonsense!!!
The dominance of ignorance!
Some people just broadcast anything.
“The world is coming to an end on the 21st of October 2011”
Then you too you broadcast.
I’m not the biggest Christian in the world but I KNOW THAT…
NO ONE!
Absolutely NO ONE knows when the Lord is coming so quit sending us predictions.
This is not a Predict and Win by Tigo or whoever
And those who never say hi…..
NEVER EVER!
…. then suddenly get up one day …
and decide that they deserve the rights to sending you a (foolish)broadcast message annoy me the most!
Gosh!
Today I have talked!
But basically I’m just saying…..
I don’t like dumb ass broadcasts.
So before you send them….
AT ALL!
…I beg…
…Gauge the stupidity or ignorance level….
…and try to figure out…
What Would Lorraine Do?

Dedicated to Breyeda Kwame who sends me the best broadcasts on earth.
Much love!

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A CESSPIT OF WORDS THAT MAKE SENSE

March 7, 2011

The last post (which was last night by the way) received a lot of views.
I’m guessing my rants were your exact same sentiments????
Weird because I received 5oo+ views and only ONE person admitted to actually using the abbreviation HBD (lets all clap for this guy whose name I will not mention)
As I said before….
This is solely MY opinion.
Its isn’t the ultimate (of course it is! No it really isn’t…just kidding)
….so you may continue using it I won’t judge you
No….
…no this is not a sequel to my last blog piece.
It was, however, Twitter and Facebook inspired.
Don’t you guys just love these social media sites right now?
I know Vanessa, Riya and Kobby probably do….
…the pressure I get alone!
Good pressure.
From my last rant I discovered that people (some) do not appreciate my potty mouth….
…unfortunately…
…if you know me personally, you’ll realize I write like I speak.
I don’t particularly mince my words…
…. and when I feel like I need to express myself appropriately (this might be a pure juxtaposition)
I cuss.
Should I apologize?
No!
Did you apologize to me for stammering?
Or having a lisp?
No!
I also have a speech impediment.
So let’s move on.
I don’t see the point of pretending to be something just because I WANT my blog to be read.
Yes I want you to read it…
…but I want you to appreciate the realness that comes with it.
If you can’t appreciate that, then this is obviously not for you…
Or then again you can close your eyes when you get to the cussing.
I say what I mean and mean what I say…..
….otherwise I won’t have a blog….
…my outlet…..
…my cesspit if you may because I dump all my shit here!
If I wrote any other way, trust me you would be bored.
Someone once said to me.
There is no structure in your writing…no paragraphs.
Your punctuation is all over the place.
What the fuck do I need paragraphs for if I’m MAD and I’m trying to make a point?
How do you want me to write please?
Today I would like to discuss, with my imaginary friends, an issue that has been bothering me since I was seven wee years old.
I do not appreciate the rampant felling of trees. Why is the world so callous? What have we done wrong?”

Yaaaaaaawn!
If I wanted to write about how people chopping down trees bugged me…
…trust me I would not go that route.
I’m not a journalist.
I don’t have to be polite about it because I don’t get paid for this shit.
This has been a PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCENT…..
…..which will lead to the real issue at hand.
Thank you as always for reading.

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MY BA3….YES BA3

March 6, 2011

So yes I haven’t blogged since January.
It’s March now so gosh I owe you guys.
This year, my resolution was to post on a regular basis but you know what???
My tolerance levels have shot up so things don’t piss me off so much!
Yeah………..
…….. that was a lie!
Truth?
My computer from which I blog (and yes I only blog on one particular computer) was going through some drama….
…..but we’re ok now.(whew!)
So lately Twitter is my best friend….
…..and I see a lot of blogworthy tweets everyday.
Today I would like to give a special thanks to the many people on Twitter who have made this piece possible.
Without you I would be nothing!
Nothing I tell you!
So its independence today!
Fantastic!
We’ve come a long way.
HI GHANA!!!!!!!!
No I’m NOT saying HI to Ghana!
That stands for “Happy Independence”…
In case you didn’t know….(of course I made it up!)
Now some of you will probably be going….
What the absolute fuck is HI GHANA!!!!!!
OOOOOKAAAAY!
Out the 35 of you who silently go……
“The fuck !!!”……
…..27 of you have typed these letters out on Facebook, Bbm, Whatsapp, Twitter and Text.
H.B.D!
WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT PEOPLE!!!??????!!!????
What is wrong with you?
I mean REALLY???
Do you (secretly) hate me?? (could also be h8)
It’s my birthday…….
…..you claim you want to wish me well…..
….but you’re too lazy to type out Happy Birthday?
The fuck!
Take your birthday wishes! I don’t need them…!
I mean come on! How hard is it?
Not only do I get the impression you DIDN’T really wanna wish me well…..
….HBD DOES NOT in any way sound good.
You might as well stop singing “happy birthday to you”
And go “aych bee dee to you”
It sounds like a sexually transmitted disease of some sort…..
*crying* “ So the doctor said I have HBD. They have to amputate my penis”
….or something I should either be connecting to my TV or computer!
“Yeah so what are you saying? After I plug the HBD in, press the power button and the transmitter will be fully functional??”
Kwasiasem!
HBD!
The English language is slowly becoming obsolete.
Everything is being abbreviated.
I mean I get it.
We live in a fast world etc etc….
….but those abbreviations were made so u could text quickly.
If you’re trying to wish me a happy birthday quickly…..
….don’t wish it at all.
Birthday wishes aren’t meant to be rushed through.
For a lot of people birthdays are super special and friends and loved ones make it even more so…
…so if my boyfriend sent me HBD on my birthday…
…yeah he knows where he’ll be.
I mean imagine if you lost a loved one and I sent you a msg (message) that read…
….MC.
MC!!!!!
MC who? Lyte?
What has she got to do with anything???
By MC I meant My Condolences btw( by the way)
Or MAC!
What?
Mac Daddy?
Do I need to return your make-up?
My Absolute Condolences.
Yeah abbreviations are super handy …
(people who cannot spell to save their lives can hide behind them these days)
….but some,
highly inappropriate and insensitive. (my opinion as always)
And by the way….
….I don’t think these abbreviations are meant to be said.
They are for typing purposes only.
Imagine talking to someone who literally keeps saying…..
“lol”, “ikr” or “rotfl’
Roll on the damn floor and laugh then.
What are you waiting for?
What are you?
A fucktard?
Some abbreviations are just plain stupid.
You can’t just make the shit up and expect people to know what you are trying to say…
It MUST be universally accepted.
MDFSKKK is pretty awesome though I admit.
Love it.
Anyway I gotta go….
My ba3 is running low and I don’t have my charger….(took you a while to figure out huh?)
HBD GHANA!!!!!

Dedicated to the guy on Twitter who retweeted the other guy who typed ba3 as a short form of battery.