Archive for May, 2012

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“SAMTIN SMALL FOR DEH BOYS!”

May 27, 2012

I woke up this morning, picked up my phone and went on Twitter.

Mainly to see what people had to say about last night’s concert.

If you’re in Ghana you would know that braa Bow Wow and Sister Keri Hilson were here!

I’ve heard good things about the show.

Especially that Chemphe performed! (Please don’t ask me anything about this statement)

I’m deviating. (typically)

I’m not here to talk about the concert!!!

We’ll leave that for TalkofGH.

As I was reading the various comments about the show….

….. an old friend popped up on my timeline and I said hello.

I haven’t seen this guy in a really long time so I asked where we was……

….. and he mentioned that he had moved back to the States.

I asked why and the conversation that ensued was the inspiration  for this piece!

He said he left Ghana just before Valentine’s day.

This helped him avoid all the unnecessary pressure.

I laughed.

Then he went on to comment on how somehow, every (national) holiday became a reason to pay for something.

Everyone wants something.

And it’s not just the females wanting gifts on Valentine’s Day…..

…their birthdays or Christmas!

It was how regular holidays have also turned into a day of “tax payment”

AU Day, Farmer’s Day, New Year’s Day, Independence Day….

Everyone wants something.

Even on Friday!

At the average police checkpoint…..

On any of the days stated above….

…. you will experience this…

YOU: *Pull up to the barrier*

POLICE: * waves magic wand (torch). Uses wand to tap your window* “Roll down!”

YOU: *Roll down gingerly* “good evening”

POLICE: “Why you no wan  to roll down??? Wia are you going??”

YOU: “Home”

If it’s very late, it may continue like this…..

POLICE: “Ei! You have gone to enjoy ywa sef. Give me malt”

Honestly when they say this I always want to ask if I look like a GGBL distributor!

If it’s a holiday, you’ll get the….

POLICE:  As you know, deh boys are here dooyin samtin good for you. Samtin small for the boys mek we chop deh holiday”

Same happens on Friday.

And they don’t request it oh?

It’s almost like a threat.

My friend mentioned how a policeman asked him for “something small for the boys”

And he replied with “today no good”

The policeman asked him why today was not good and asked him to park for a full search!

They expect these hand outs!

It’s not just them oh!

The man who goes to stand behind your car….

…making all these frantic hand gestures….

….claiming he’s helping you park will also come to you when he’s done and demand some money for “parking your car”

Ei!

Asem oh!!

How did YOU park the car when I was the one behind the wheel???

I went to 3121 recently.

After my meal….

…as I was leaving….

..there were two security men in the parking lot.

I heard one of them say as they approached my car….

…in Ga…

“Yaa’m) m3n3 ni mihu ma m) m3ne”

Basically he was saying “let me get this one while you get the other”

I was getting into my car and my friend was too so they wanted money from both of us.

I was so annoyed I ignored him and drove off.

Isn’t it your job as the PAID security man to watch the cars that visit the outfit?

What nonsense!!!

Everybody wants handouts in this country whether they deserve it or not.

This is why my friend refuses to come to Ghana.

The economy is already in a deplorable state.

We’re working hard to make money.

Everything is ridiculously expensive.

The dollar and pound steady keeps rising….

…but those who want things to come to them easy will forever chant their mantra…

Samtin Small For Deh Boys.

Just don’t come to me with that nonsense because you’ll never get anything!

Call me what you want…

……I’m saving for a holiday!

 

Dedicated to @TrevorJames00 who made me laugh this morning!

 

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NATURAL SELECTION???

May 23, 2012

Two days ago I was unfortunate enough to witness a death.

The event left me incredibly shaken and it made me realize how absolutely stupid people are.

The man who died was stupid and didn’t value his life …

….but I was still sad for him.

I was driving down that new highway that leads to Dome.

It was a little after 10pm….

…. and you all know how there are barely any lights on ANY street in Accra…..

……dare I say Ghana!!

I was driving towards Accra, eager to get home because I was tired as hell.

Ahead of me, there was a yellow van….

….whizzing past as we all do on a highway.

I have a habit of putting my high beams on when I drive on any highway.

It’s so hard to see otherwise.

So I put my high beams on so I could have a better view of the road ahead.

That was when I notice some foreign material being dragged under the van ahead of me.

It looked like a piece of fabric that had been blown onto the road by the wind earlier that day….

….so I dismissed it and continued to drive at the same speed while keeping a safe distance between me and this vehicle.

After about 20 seconds, I noticed the van was still dragging this strange thing along with it as it sped off.

That’s when things got crazy.

Everything happened so fast.

The strange foreign body was actually a human body.

It came detached from the bottom of the van and came rolling towards MY car!!!

All I thought was , “Oh my God! Oh my God! That’s a PERSON!!”

I came to a screeching halt within inches of the lifeless body.

I was stunned!!!

His body was mangled and limbs were facing all sorts of odd directions.

I hadn’t a clue what to do.

So I started to cry.

Please I said I didn’t know what to do!

There was no car behind me so it was safe to be parked for the 30 seconds I was.

Crying like a child…..

….Shaking life a bloody leaf.

It was the scariest thing I had ever seen in my life.

After those 30 seconds….

…I came to my senses and went round the body and drove off.

The van ahead of me….

…the one that had actually hit the guy didn’t even stop or look back.

He just kept going.

I drove in tears the whole way desperately hoping I would come across some policemen.

The days you need them you will NEVER find them!

Never!

The whole time I was still right behind the van.

Eventually he stopped right at the bridge before the Neoplan station.

As I drove past him, I slowed down a bit so I could take a look at his face.

I had never seen anyone look so frightened.

I’m guessing it was the shock and fear that made him drive on without stopping to take a look at this person he had just killed….accidentally.

I turned away and kept driving.

I didn’t find a police barrier till I got to Tesano.

I reported the incident to the men on duty and typically, all I got was…

…..”ooooh!! I’m sure the ambolance will come”

Yes “ambolance”

It will magically find its way to the scene of the accident eh???

Since they weren’t exactly bothered….

…I figured, why am I stressing???

It was just so shocking to see someone die like that.

In retrospect, the victim was a fool to attempt to cross the highway.

I mean how dumb can you be????

In the same vein, I don’t blame him because I’ve said time and again that a large percentage of our population is illiterate.

If we don’t educate them on the right way to do things, we shouldn’t expect much from them.

I know I don’t.

These are people whose “natural habitat” has been altered significantly by this new road.

They are used to a certain way of life.

So if you build this new fancy road and put ONE footbridge over it….

…. this road with no bus stop…..

….expect a lot of casualties!!!

They will continue to live as they did prior to the construction of the road.

It’s not very smart.

The pedestrians aren’t the only problem on that road.

Several times I’ve seen trotro driver stop on the side of the highway to offload and load passengers!

I meaaaaaaan!!!

What kinds of nonsense is this one too???

We need a LOT of education.

We’ve built a big road, but the people who are using the road have small brains so how does this improve our lives??

Every time I drive on that road now I’m going to drive really slow.

I’ll end up annoying a lot of other drivers….

….but I don’t particularly care at this point.(ok I’m lying!)

Seeing what I did scared me.

But you know what?

We could educate these people and they would still do the same thing……

…again and again and again!

So I guess this is nature’s way of selecting only the best.

Anaa?

 

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It’s Easier To Own A Dog!!

May 13, 2012

So its Mother’s Day today!!!!

First of all….

Happy Mother’s Day to the real mothers out there.

You’re doing an incredible job! (Pats back)

Ooooookaaaaaay!

To the topic at hand today….

…..and it just so happens that I decide to write about this on Mother’s Day BUT it HAS been eating me up for a while.

Like I said, Happy Mother’s Day to the REAL mothers out there.

I say REAL because I DO NOT believe that every woman who has a child is actually a mother.

It takes more than just bringing the child out of your vagina to BE  a mother.

I believe that what you DO to ensure that your child grows up in the best way possible is what being a mother is all about.

That the love and care you give your child is what gives you the title…..

….This is why I can adopt a child and STILL be a mother!

You dig??

Its 2012.

This century has churned a lot of career moms, 21st century moms with radical parenting skills and my personal favourites…..

….women who feel like they need to have children because it is what is expected of them…..

…..or to prove some point to society.

I don’t believe it is mandatory to have a child especially if you have zero interest in their general existence.

I know plenty mothers who are like this.

Their idea of being a mother is buying clothes for their children who are all under 10…

….and taking them to the best restaurants.

No fun trips to the beach…..

…no trips to ice cream parlours…..

…..no sleepovers and general childish fun!

Remind me again WHEN children became interested in these types of things!

A trip to an expensive restaurant for a 3year old and its labelled “FUN”!

Don’t they like toys anymore??’

Trust me….

….I have nothing against career moms.

I think it wonderful if she can juggle that career and being a mother (and wife and lover) at the same time.

But  when your nanny is literally giving your child (and your husband perhaps) breastmilk….

….THAT is where my problem begins.

These are the mothers who spend all their time at work even if they don’t have to be there…

..and come home when the child is sleeping. Its almost as though she is afraid of the child!

In the morning, a driver takes him to school.

On weekends….

….she’s out with friends OR is at work….again!

She doesnt even cook! (these ones just KILL me!!)

When her child is sick, she dismisses it saying “that’s how children are”

Which children?

My mother was a crazy busy woman when I was growing up but she FOUND the time to spend with us.

On weekends, we would bake with her….

….or cook our own meals under her supervision.

She found time to come for parents day at school…..

….she braided our hair every week(my sister and I)

….. AND……

….. she dropped AND picked us up from school!

She found the time.

But in 2012….

….. a lot of these mothers are leaving the help to raise their children.

Why have these kids in the first place???

What is the point?

And it’s sad because these kids are growing up to become BRATS!!

Not only that, a lot of them are growing up learning ALL the wrong things.

What is my nanny who grew up in some Nzema village going to teach my child?

I know some kids whose mother spends so little time with them…

….when she attempts to, they are in a hurry to get away from her and spend that time with the person who actually cares for them on a daily basis.

I would be so hurt if my kids did this!

I mean i broke my vagina for you!!!!!

Why can’t you spend time with me?

I know mothers who put weaves on their daughters.

These daughters are below 10.

I have seen this personally I tell you no lie!

What is a 7 year old doing with a weave??

I know mothers who leave their kids with the nanny and travel for months.

As a matter of fact I knew of a mother who left her 10month old baby with the nanny and went to have another baby in the States.

And I’m not talking one month!

This mother was gone for almost 4 months.

Her husband was crazy busy…..

….so the child was being taken care of by the nanny at home and the watchman.

Nanny speaks Twi and watchman speaks pidgin English.

Imagine the turmoil this child went through when he was learning to talk!

Imagine the child’s speech!

And these terrible mothers don’t stop at having one child oh!

They have one…then two…then three….

And they put up such an act around other mothers when they are out with their kids.

Acting like they are best friends with their kids

Come and give mummy a kiss”….

…..then you see the child cringing and in his mind he thinks….

…”aaah mummy paaa when did we start kissing each other??

There are people who genuinely WANT kids and can’t have them

The world is unfair!

I say a mother who doesn’t know her child’s favourite colour…

…favourite food…

…things that frighten the child…

….things they hate….

…their hobbies or favourite subject in school DOES not deserve the right to call herself a mother.

As I always say…

it’s easier to own a dog!

How about you quit having the babies and find a mongrel to try caring for….

And if you DO succeed…..

…..have that baby!

Until then….

….leave the baby making for those who are actually interested!

 

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……AND EVERYBODY SHOUT AMEN!!!!

May 9, 2012

A few days ago I read an article by my old roomie from Uni, Nuella.
It was an article on a condition that a lot of affluent young men in not just Ghana……
…..but the world at large, are suffering from these days.
RBS!!!
What does this mean you might ask?
It’s pretty simple….
Rich Boy Syndrome!
NO! Dont laugh…..
…this is serious business because (I will refer you to the original piece) when I read it, a LOT of people I actually do know came to mind.
That’s when I realized that I know way too many useless people.
Yes!
I said it!
USELESS PEOPLE!!!!!
Basically my friend talked about all these young men who at first glance seem like men……
….THEN you actually get to know them and you ask yourself….
Is this life??
They are the grown men constantly talking about their worldly possessions….
….and I’m not talking about things like stocks oh!
NO!
They talk about how many Vivienne Westwood shoes they own….
….or how much their Cartier ring cost…
…..or how Dubai is their backyard.
Yes!
They are the ones found in the clubs every single weekend….
….drinking champagne (if there’s enough left after they have poured it over everybody present for shege reasons)……..
…The ones dancing in the middle of the dancefloor (usually displaying some very spastic moves….and it takes a lot NOT to call a paramedic because they look like they are having epileptic fits)
*sigh*
My take on this type of man though is that he may be rich but might not have been a top student in the good school they went to.
This is why his spelling and general spoken English may leave very little to be desired.
But don’t worry! He has money!
Dear old Nuella was kind enough to add a twist to these boys/men in her piece oh!
They actually HAVE jobs.
Most of the ones I have met don’t.
They laze about all morning and when you ask them what they are up to, tell you about some business deal they are about to embark on.
You and I know this translates to…..
Daddy is supposed to deposit some money into my account at 1pm. I’m just chilling out till he does so I can get some gas and have lunch at (insert appropriate restaurant here) with chamapagne
Mind you, the champagne is a constant in his life!
What a life!!!!!
Wouldn’t we LOVE to exist like this?
Stress free.
I really don’t have too many issues with these men.
Boy! I would LOVE to be able to stay home every day and still get paid!
The only real issue I have with them is how utterly chauvinistic and disrespectful they can be.
Not just to women…..
….but people in general.
I have personally dated a boy/man with RBS before….I tell you no lie!
I write from experience.
Their attitude stems from their feeling like the world revolves around them/owes them something.
These boys/men seem to think because they have a fat wallet, women should bow down to them AND kiss their feet.
If you like, let a man like this chase you and tell him you’re not interested.
He will show you all his bank statements and THEN drive you to his house to see what is in it…..pointing to each item while he is gripping your tiny wrist and shouting…..
….”DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH THIS COSTS????
Awala!
If after that you still say no, then you become a “prostitute”
A cheap girl and then he “realizes” he can do better!
Ei!
And these people have friends…
..hangers on…
…who let them get away away with all kinds of shit for an opportunity to drink the finest liquor and puff on expensive cigars!
When a man of this calibre takes you out…..
…he could easily start to talk to another woman right in front of you.
You stand there and wait oh!
And you are probably still on his arm while he does this!
Dare you protest!
You’re even lucky he brought you to begin with.
If it wasn’t for me like have you come here before? Me dieh stand there wohor!
” (This is a man who can’t speak very good English but is rich)
These men can be so rude it’s incredible.
The thing is, after I read my friend’s piece, I read the comments.
People were giving her grief about being bitter etc.
But believe me, I know this girl and its nothing like that.
The women reading this can attest to this fact…..a lot of these men have zero respect for us.
We’re disposable.
He writes his number on a hundred dollar bill and he has you!
I must be honest though, I have met some genuinely lovely trust fund babies.
I know a few of the chauvinistic ones who have gone ahead and gotten married.*cringe*
Usually to very beautiful girls who want all the finer things in life and so put up with their nonsense.
They drive nice cars but the sadness on their faces cannot be fixed by a brand new Porshe!
Never!
Most painful is when they tell you about their husband’s cheating ways.
Women kwraa why are we so stupid sometimes???
Eh?
You see a man and because you see dollar signs you deceive yourself and say you’re in love!
Which kine love?
Kwasiasem!
I despise women who make themselves victims.
Am I deviating?
Sorry…..
RBS!
If you’re 30+…..
….and you still do the whole “daddy/mummy says we should blah blah blah”…..
…..have some money …..
….spend all your time partying…..every weekend with “the boys”….
….have no real priorities in life and the most important thing to you…..
….at 30 or 40….
….is what Chris Brown said to the members of B2K…..
….or why Jay-Z shouldn’t have put Kanye on some track….
Have a string of women…..
….who u treat like shit.
You probably have this disease.
If you actually need to ask how to fix this , then indeed you HAVE a problem!
I can’t help you.
Look to the Lord……
….and EVERYBODY shout AMEN!!!!!!

Dedicated to Nuella Iyoha who wrote this http://www.bellanaija.com/2012/05/07/the-rich-boy-syndrome-abujalagoslondongeneva

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THEY NEVER CAME….

May 9, 2012

So…
…I’ve had a long hiatus from sharing the little things that make my life so worth it!
This is simply because I discovered my inner “nice”….
….so a lotta things don’t piss me off as much.
Ok I lied.
I’m still rather easily piss off-able and the incident I’m about to share with you guys made me realize that I’ve still got it!!! (Thank God)
I left work early yesterday because I wasn’t feeling too good.
Just as I pulled up to my gate, I noticed two cars had double parked in a way that made it almost impossible to get into my own house.
One of the cars was literally parked in front of my gate and the other was parked across the road, right in front of my house.
If any of you know where I live, you will understand how narrow this then makes the road.
Let me also mention at this point that I live very close to the Central University…..
….so these cars belonged to their dim-witted students.
The bane of my existence, these bloody students!
This is something they do all the time….
…parking anywhere, anyhow and its extremely irritating because coming home is an absolute nuisance.
There have been times where I’ve had to abandon my intended route……
…… even if it meant I was literally a second away from my house……
….. to use another…….
…. because of these stupid students!
When I finally managed to get into a position that made getting into the house easy……
….I rummaged around my bag for a piece of paper and a pen…..
….and began to write a note.
At this point, considering my frustration,
I considered writing a very nasty note but I thought about it and opted for something a little more polite.
After all we all make mistakes and this genuinely might have been the first time that this person has parked here. (But today was not their lucky day kwraaaa cuz shit was about to get real)
I wrote down the following:
Pls do not park so close to my gate in the future.
Thanks.

Very polite, no?
This note was placed lovingly on the windshield of this car.
I mean will you get???!
I drove into my house…..
…with a lighter heart because i felt like i had done something good for my community.
Yes my whole community was going to benefit from this act.
Once I got into the house, I asked my dad if he had seen how close to the gate the students were parked.
He had and was not amused at all!!!
He was muttering all sorts of nothings because by the time he had gone on his rant, I was walking away.
I mean I understood his anger.
My dad usually comes home early and when he does, he spends a lot of his time in the kitchen.
He was cooking dinner when I got home for himself and my mum because I rarely eat when I get home.
Now it was my mum’s turn to come home.
She just found it impossible to turn into the house….
…..so Superman Daddy had to go and help her.
Eventually they got the car into the house and all was right with the world. Again. For the 3rd time that day.
We were all chilling; parents eating their dinner, me sorting out my clothes because my dad is doing some donation to some kids in Aburi this weekend……
…..when the bell rang!
My dad was the first to abandon his food and go outside to see who it was.
I followed….
….because I knew what this was about……
……and I was looking forward to meeting the fuckwit who owned the car.
Now here’s where the mess started.
This girl who rang the bell…
…not a very good looking one too if i might add…..
….stood in front of my house and accused my father of letting the air out of her tyres because the security man on street patrol said they had seem him do it and leave a note on her windshield.
I just got mad!
I was like ‘Whaaaaaat????’
Like seriously what the fuck are you on?
What have you been drinking?
You AND the security man!
How about apologizing for being such a bloody nuisance instead of launching into attack? How about that?
So this girl starts to shout all sorts of Twinglish words and phrases at my dad.
I’m there and I’m getting upset.
My dad just waits for her to finish, then he says:
Thank you.
This is why I always say, this University right here is a syto University.
You’ve just proven it.
You can barely speak a full English sentence.
It doesn’t matter what grades you make, they clearly will enroll anyone

Noooor this girl vex!
She starts to shout more Twinglish words and this time she’s managed to reel in a few more ugly girls.
Mooooore ugly girls at my gate.
I had never seen so many ugly women in one place before.
It was phenomenal.
The one who owned the car across the street had also suffered the wrath of the “area people”…
…..and two of her tyres had had the air let out!
Mobo!
I wasn’t feeling too sorry for them because I thought….
…..this was simple reasoning.
It was evident that where you had parked want the best but noooooooo…….
You went ahead and deposited your jalopy right there.
Some beat up old Benz too.
And this girl was angry!!!!
And fat!
And she was wearing yellow.
Bright yellow.
Big Bird on Sesame Street!
My Street.
These girls started throwing stones into my house.
Like savages.
A group of ugly savages.
At this point my parents called the police.
My parents m’ome sometimes they forget where they live eh?
This was my mother:
We have a situation at house number xxx and we need a patrol team to come and sort this out
I swear the police were just humouring her because they said they were on their way.
My dad was also on the phone to the head of some police station asking for a team.
Instead of looking for some Nima boys….
….you’re calling the police!
Ghana Police?!!
When will they come?
They forgot so soon the situation with my stolen car!
Kai!
Anyways…..
The police said they were on their way…(LIES!!!!)
…so we moved the cars out of the driveway, into the garage because of the stones and quietly went into our house.
Then the bell rang again.
And again.
And again.
It was the fatty. In yellow. Big Bird.
Doing it to piss us off.
I went outside….
…after my dad had warned me not to.
At this point I was livid.
I asked them what their problem was.
The fatty starts to shout all sorts of Twinglish words then she ended it with “Stewpid Girl”
Ei!!!!!!!
Me m’ome!
Saa?
Ok.
I waited till she was done and said to her.
I’m so glad I’m not as angry as you are.
Otherwise I’ll be fat.
You eat because you’re angry…CLEARLY! My dad just cooked, would you like some food Chubby McChubson???

Ooooh the girl vex.
As I was walking away,
I felt a gust of wind go by my legs.
This yellow top fatty was HURLING rocks into my yard.
Not stones ooh!
ROCKS!!!
The girl could HURL A ROCK!
Ewurade!
One of her rocks hit my foot and my father just died!( I finally had a wound from this battle!!!)
At that point I thought he was going to smash the girl’s windscreen.
He was livid!
My mum, being the voice of reason just asked us to write down their car numbers so we make a formal complaint to the school.
It was all so ridiculous.
The bush Cental girls were just something else.
I mean I’ve always had very little respect for the school but this incident just put them on a totally different level.
Any respect I had completely evaporated!
All gone.
I went into my house with my parents quietly and waited for the police….
…Needless to say…
…..They never came.