HOW FAR IS TOO FAR?…..

I’m gonna jump right into this one today because basically i have so much pent up anger and rage in my being I need to vent.
I bet most of you saw that video today.
The video that violated one human being’s fundamental human rights in more than 1000 ways.
My girlfriend watched it and mentioned a few of us along with the Facebook link on Twitter this morning.
I did not click on the link initially because I thought….
……“oh it’s just one of those things!”
Besides it IS April Fool’s day today and I sure as hell wasn’t falling for any of that foolishness.
As the day progressed i noticed a bunch of people tweeting comments on the video…..
….so I figured….
…what the hell!
Grabbed my computer, searched for my girl’s earlier tweet and clicked on the link.
After the first few seconds I was yawning and thinking….
…….“How is this even remotely heartbreaking?”
Some girl in a dress, a few bruises,bunch of guys making noise…
..no drama!
I was about to shut it off when the real mess started.
These guys started to rip the girl’s clothes off!
At that point I was like “what the flying fuck is going on here?”
They continued to strip her till she was completely naked.
The guys grabbed her legs and pried then open to expose her vagina to the camera….
She’s tried frantically to cover her breasts and vagina but these guys were pulling her from every angle making it virtually impossible.
The guys yanked her hands away from her private parts.
Her efforts to save what was left of her dignity proved futile.
This girl…..
….pretty girl….
….was struggling to break free amidst tears.
She looked tired.
Worn out.
But these guys were relentless.
At some point in the video it looked like someone was poking and prodding her vagina.
If you didn’t see the video…..
….i wonder how just reading this makes you feel.
I was absolutely livid watching it.
The kind of anger that my heart let out was beyond my own comprehension.
I don’t think I have felt anything this intense in years.
Now the story behind this whole video I do not know for sure.
I heard three different ones and I’m not sure which is an actual fact.
Story one: This girl was a thief the police had been looking for, for a long time.
Story two:This girl had stolen a laptop and a bunch of other items.
Story three: She took her friend’s laptop from her room without her permission. So when this friend came to find that her laptop was nowhere to be found, she panicked. She then found the laptop in the girl’s room and started calling her a thief.

To be very honest.
I don’t give a rat’s ass what this girl’s crime was so much.
I know it has something to do with stealing.
My issue here is how people who are supposed to be in a higher learning institution could be so primitive in their method of punishment.
How men who have mothers and sisters could treat a woman this way.
Yes she stole something…
…..but what right have you to violate her in this manner?
Who made you God?
Fuck that!
God would not humiliate any of his creations in this way.
No way, no how!
This video spun several arguments on Facebook,Twitter and in my office.
A lot of them very juvenile and ignorant.
No surprise here.
So many ignorant fucktards on Facebook anyway…
I speak purely from a personal point of view and if you cannot deal with it….
…please don’t fucking read my blog.
I am pissed.
The anger surging through me as I write this is the kinda anger that drives people to act the fool.
Yes.
I am pissed.
Absolutely livid!
University of Ghana.
Ghana’s premiere university?
My ass!

The men who did this are people who are going to complete their ‘higher education”…..
….and blend with people in the system.
These psychopaths….
…these animals.
Their actions towards this girl was NOT human.
No person with a soul….
….or with a conscience would do that to anyone.
No one.
Some dumb fuck opened their mouth and made a statement that made me want to slap them into oblivion.
This person said that when guys who steal in Legon are caught,
The girls enjoy watching them get stripped and ponded.

If you watched the video,
Did you see any girls stripping this chick?
Did you?

How the fuck is that even an argument?
These were guys.
All stronger than she will ever be.
Grabbing her in places that no stranger should.
If you’re a guy reading this and you think I’m being dramatic…..
…or that I’m over-reacting….
Imagine you mother, aunt, sister or female cousin……
…..even your grandmother being violated in this way.

Sure they’ll say they didn’t rape her. Oh! They just stripped her!
But I swear this was worse than rape.
The girl will be traumatized for the rest of her life.

Karma is a bitch guys.
It truly is.

You don’t want the shit you do…..
….especially to someone’s daughter to come back a few years to bite you in the ass.

Yes she stole something.
But Lord knows she did not deserve what they did to her.
You know what killed me?
Some of the men in that video looked to me like they were mature students.
I’ll bet they have wives…..
….perhaps girlfriend.
…ooooh! You do not know that evil things going through my head right now.
No this isn’t my usual funny, quirky blog piece.
This shit hit me.
It tore my heart to pieces…..
If you watched it and didn’t feel anything….
…I’m not sure what you are.
I truly am not.
Yes I have taken it very personal.
I am a woman and watching that shit made me realize that there is evil in men’s hearts.
I bet you anything they stripped her just to satisfy their own perverted desires.
What the flying fuck has her vagina got to do with the situation at hand.
Forcing her legs open like that.
Say what you want…..
..but those guys….
….all those guys raped that girl when they violated her like that.
They did……
…..and in my opinion that is even more criminal than whatever that girl did to warrant that treatment.
But karma is gonna come.
And it will bite you in the ass many times over.
Maybe not today.
Maybe not tomorrow.
But it surely will come.
And the beauty of it for me is I realized how truly ignorant some people are today.
LOL-ing the video and basically making basic comments like how she shaved real nice.
Someone on my Blackberry said something about why she was going round stealing when clearly she could afford a Brazillian wax.
Damn shame because every single one of you has a mother.
And if you have love for you mother…
If you have respect for you mother…
You will NEVER treat a woman that way.
It is NOT funny…
At all…..
….and I must say I lost a lotta respect for certain people today.
You cannot begin to justify this nonsense.
This shit is happening in Universities.
Higher learning.

You would expect these people to know better.
You would expect these people to be able to ask themselves,
How Far Is Too Far?
I guess that’s asking too much.

WWLD

So I was just sitting at my desk ….
….minding my own business you know.
Listening to Adele and trying to get shit done.
Out of the corner of my eye I see a flashing red light.
I look up from the work I am so deeply engrossed in…
…and realize the persistent red light is my Blackberry……
NEW MESSAGE!!
Happy !Happy! Joy! Joy! ( you know that inexplicable excitement when u get a new message)
Anyway so I take a break from what I’m busy typing…
…. to open this NEW MESSAGE I’m so excited about…..
…and this is the foolishness that greeted me,
on this beautiful yet uninspiring day.
“If you love the devil close this txt.
If you love God & glad he woke u up today.
Send this to all ur contacts.”
First of all gasp at the obvious grammatical error….
….as well as punctuation faux pas.
I mean IF YOU absolutely MUST send me a broadcast….
…correct it so it is pleasing to my eye…(yes my eye)
…BEFORE you hit the damn send button!
Five seconds after my mental expression of utter disgust at the sender’s inability to spot the error,
the reality of the situation hit me and I thought…
…HOW ABSOLUTELY 1st grade!
Class 1!
SYfuckingTO ( Syto) that message was!
I mean COME ON!
When did Christianity/ Faith/ Religion/ God become so radical??
When did it come to this?
“If you love the Devil?”
REALLY?
Damn you for threatening me with that message.
I love BBM.
I think it’s a wonderful way to connect with people.
It has helped me paaa in life because I am terrible at keeping in touch……
……but the blatant display of ignorance via this wonderful piece of technology is disturbing.
First of all…
…are you trying to convert me?
Are you trying to get me to say thanks to the Lord?
Are you trying to ascertain whether or not I’m a devil worshipper?
Do tell me.
What the fuck are you trying to achieve with this very basic message you just sent me?
And these things go round like fucking viruses.
One ignorant person sends it and the rest follow.
If you’re reading this and you’ve sent this message to anyone today….
…kindly do me a favour and slap yourself.
Have you done it?
Thank you.
Guilt tripping people to act “Holy” is NOT the way to go.
Some dumb ass people will feel bad and copy and paste(and ignore all the grammatical errors)
And send to all their contacts….(Muslims and Buddhists included if your contact list is as diverse as mine is)
And instead of the recipient (me) acknowledging that indeed…
…”Jesus is Lord”….
….you end up just pissing people (like me) off with your juvenile intro…
…”If you love the devil…”
Pure fuckery!
I don’t get why people try so desperately to prove their level of piety to other fellow human beings.
Why do u assume you’ll go to heaven any faster if you (allow yourself to be guilt tripped to) send some broadcast.
I didn’t get the memo that God had changed his modus operandi.
Now I’m sure some of you over pious people are gasping and going…
“Forgive her Father for she knows not what she is doing”
I won’t come on here and impose my beliefs of anyone….
…so in the same way I would appreciate it if you wouldn’t either.
Thank you. (my piece titled YE WHO HATH NOT SINNED will shed more light on my stance on this issue)
And it’s not just the messages about loving the devil and hating God.
It’s stupid games like this one…..
WARNING: YOU MIGHT BECOME MORE STUPID AFTER READING THE FOLLOWING FEW LINES.
EXTRA DUMB PEOPLE SHOULD OPEN WIKIPEDIA AND READ SOMETHING SMART RIGHT AFTER VIEWING THIS.
…..here goes…
“We are playing a game.
Someone proposed that we GIRLS do something special to help with Breast Cancer Awareness.
It’s easy, and I’d like you to join us help it spread.
Last year it was about writing the colour of the bra that you were wearing in your status and it left men wondering for days why the girls had random colours as their status.
This year it has to do with your relationship status.
You will state where you are by posting one of the codes below.
Blueberry: I’m single
Pineapple: It’s complicated
Raspberry: I’m a touch and go woman
Apple: Engaged
Cherry: In a relationship
Banana: I’m married
Avocado: I’m the other one
Strawberry: Can’t find the right one
Lemon: Wish I was single
Grape: Want to get married”
Instantly you realize how absolutely retarded this game is.
First of all….
…why don’t you just put up an actual BREAST CANCER related message as your status message if you’re so genuinely adamant about supporting the cause.
How will my fucking (fruit)relationship status aid in BREAST CANCER awareness?
My fruit status is highly irrelevant!
Nonsense!!!
The dominance of ignorance!
Some people just broadcast anything.
“The world is coming to an end on the 21st of October 2011”
Then you too you broadcast.
I’m not the biggest Christian in the world but I KNOW THAT…
NO ONE!
Absolutely NO ONE knows when the Lord is coming so quit sending us predictions.
This is not a Predict and Win by Tigo or whoever
And those who never say hi…..
NEVER EVER!
…. then suddenly get up one day …
and decide that they deserve the rights to sending you a (foolish)broadcast message annoy me the most!
Gosh!
Today I have talked!
But basically I’m just saying…..
I don’t like dumb ass broadcasts.
So before you send them….
AT ALL!
…I beg…
…Gauge the stupidity or ignorance level….
…and try to figure out…
What Would Lorraine Do?

Dedicated to Breyeda Kwame who sends me the best broadcasts on earth.
Much love!

A CESSPIT OF WORDS THAT MAKE SENSE

The last post (which was last night by the way) received a lot of views.
I’m guessing my rants were your exact same sentiments????
Weird because I received 5oo+ views and only ONE person admitted to actually using the abbreviation HBD (lets all clap for this guy whose name I will not mention)
As I said before….
This is solely MY opinion.
Its isn’t the ultimate (of course it is! No it really isn’t…just kidding)
….so you may continue using it I won’t judge you
No….
…no this is not a sequel to my last blog piece.
It was, however, Twitter and Facebook inspired.
Don’t you guys just love these social media sites right now?
I know Vanessa, Riya and Kobby probably do….
…the pressure I get alone!
Good pressure.
From my last rant I discovered that people (some) do not appreciate my potty mouth….
…unfortunately…
…if you know me personally, you’ll realize I write like I speak.
I don’t particularly mince my words…
…. and when I feel like I need to express myself appropriately (this might be a pure juxtaposition)
I cuss.
Should I apologize?
No!
Did you apologize to me for stammering?
Or having a lisp?
No!
I also have a speech impediment.
So let’s move on.
I don’t see the point of pretending to be something just because I WANT my blog to be read.
Yes I want you to read it…
…but I want you to appreciate the realness that comes with it.
If you can’t appreciate that, then this is obviously not for you…
Or then again you can close your eyes when you get to the cussing.
I say what I mean and mean what I say…..
….otherwise I won’t have a blog….
…my outlet…..
…my cesspit if you may because I dump all my shit here!
If I wrote any other way, trust me you would be bored.
Someone once said to me.
There is no structure in your writing…no paragraphs.
Your punctuation is all over the place.
What the fuck do I need paragraphs for if I’m MAD and I’m trying to make a point?
How do you want me to write please?
“Today I would like to discuss, with my imaginary friends, an issue that has been bothering me since I was seven wee years old.
I do not appreciate the rampant felling of trees. Why is the world so callous? What have we done wrong?”
Yaaaaaaawn!
If I wanted to write about how people chopping down trees bugged me…
…trust me I would not go that route.
I’m not a journalist.
I don’t have to be polite about it because I don’t get paid for this shit.
This has been a PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCENT…..
…..which will lead to the real issue at hand.
Thank you as always for reading.

MY BA3….YES BA3

So yes I haven’t blogged since January.
It’s March now so gosh I owe you guys.
This year, my resolution was to post on a regular basis but you know what???
My tolerance levels have shot up so things don’t piss me off so much!
Yeah………..
…….. that was a lie!
Truth?
My computer from which I blog (and yes I only blog on one particular computer) was going through some drama….
…..but we’re ok now.(whew!)
So lately Twitter is my best friend….
…..and I see a lot of blogworthy tweets everyday.
Today I would like to give a special thanks to the many people on Twitter who have made this piece possible.
Without you I would be nothing!
Nothing I tell you!
So its independence today!
Fantastic!
We’ve come a long way.
HI GHANA!!!!!!!!
No I’m NOT saying HI to Ghana!
That stands for “Happy Independence”…
In case you didn’t know….(of course I made it up!)
Now some of you will probably be going….
What the absolute fuck is HI GHANA!!!!!!
OOOOOKAAAAY!
Out the 35 of you who silently go……
“The fuck !!!”……
…..27 of you have typed these letters out on Facebook, Bbm, Whatsapp, Twitter and Text.
H.B.D!
WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT PEOPLE!!!??????!!!????
What is wrong with you?
I mean REALLY???
Do you (secretly) hate me?? (could also be h8)
It’s my birthday…….
…..you claim you want to wish me well…..
….but you’re too lazy to type out Happy Birthday?
The fuck!
Take your birthday wishes! I don’t need them…!
I mean come on! How hard is it?
Not only do I get the impression you DIDN’T really wanna wish me well…..
….HBD DOES NOT in any way sound good.
You might as well stop singing “happy birthday to you”
And go “aych bee dee to you”
It sounds like a sexually transmitted disease of some sort…..
*crying* “ So the doctor said I have HBD. They have to amputate my penis”
….or something I should either be connecting to my TV or computer!
“Yeah so what are you saying? After I plug the HBD in, press the power button and the transmitter will be fully functional??”
Kwasiasem!
HBD!
The English language is slowly becoming obsolete.
Everything is being abbreviated.
I mean I get it.
We live in a fast world etc etc….
….but those abbreviations were made so u could text quickly.
If you’re trying to wish me a happy birthday quickly…..
….don’t wish it at all.
Birthday wishes aren’t meant to be rushed through.
For a lot of people birthdays are super special and friends and loved ones make it even more so…
…so if my boyfriend sent me HBD on my birthday…
…yeah he knows where he’ll be.
I mean imagine if you lost a loved one and I sent you a msg (message) that read…
….MC.
MC!!!!!
MC who? Lyte?
What has she got to do with anything???
By MC I meant My Condolences btw( by the way)
Or MAC!
What?
Mac Daddy?
Do I need to return your make-up?
My Absolute Condolences.
Yeah abbreviations are super handy …
(people who cannot spell to save their lives can hide behind them these days)
….but some,
highly inappropriate and insensitive. (my opinion as always)
And by the way….
….I don’t think these abbreviations are meant to be said.
They are for typing purposes only.
Imagine talking to someone who literally keeps saying…..
“lol”, “ikr” or “rotfl’
Roll on the damn floor and laugh then.
What are you waiting for?
What are you?
A fucktard?
Some abbreviations are just plain stupid.
You can’t just make the shit up and expect people to know what you are trying to say…
It MUST be universally accepted.
MDFSKKK is pretty awesome though I admit.
Love it.
Anyway I gotta go….
My ba3 is running low and I don’t have my charger….(took you a while to figure out huh?)
HBD GHANA!!!!!

Dedicated to the guy on Twitter who retweeted the other guy who typed ba3 as a short form of battery.

INNIT??

So another Christmas just rolled on by.
Happy New Year people!!
Hopefully this year will be better than the last.

First of all let me apologize for my long hiatus.
the loss of my little Toyota left me with very little zeal to do anything….
….but its a new year and people will continue to annoy me…..
…..’cause you know thats my fuel….
… so this blog continues.

So Christmas!
Went by pretty quickly didnt it?
Thank God!!!
Was getting pretty tiring.
No i’m not a grinch but the chaos is utterly ridiculous at that time of year.

When i was younger, Christmas was such a beautiful season.
The carols, family, presents, no school.
Sigh! nostalgia.
As a matter of fact i always thought that once Christmas day came, we were automatically in a new year.
Things were simple back then.(and then again maybe i was a simpleton hehehe)

All you had to do was go to bed on Christmas eve,even though it was the hardest thing to do due to deathly levels of excitement….
…..wake up in the morning…
…we’re talking 10-11pm… (hey! i was below 10years old)
….and usually by this time Santa would not have made his much expected appearance, so disappointed, we would go to bed and try each hour till we get results.
What was that about Santa?

But that was when we were younger.
Christmas today has taken on a totally different meaning.
Christmas had a makeover and didnt tell anybody….
…and now Santa doesnt make an appearance anymore.

Today Christmas is a fierce competition.
A battle of all sorts of egos and statuses ….
Its pretty entertaining to observe.
It truly is.

What do I mean?

So at Christmas its nice to have family who live abroad come back home.
Nothing like Christmas when your family is complete.
But there are many pros and cons to your coming back oooh.
Please! if no one will say it I will!
(with hand u: teacher please me me me!!)

The traffic when the “amanone” people “drop” is retarded.
For us the working class, getting things done becomes twice as hard and its utterly frustrating.
Last year I couldnt even come out of my office because the traffic started from my gate and you know how Ghanaian drivers are.
When they see you are obviously trying to get in the queue, kw3333 their krakye powers increase tenfold.
Thats when you see everyone inching closer to bumpers when in reality there isnt much room to manoeuvre begin with.

Even at night there is traffic.(con)
The armed robbers dont like that. It slows business.(pro)
We dont have enough roads to hold all of us on a regular day let alone 1001 extra poeple and cars all at a go.
This is my theory for the traffic situation.

People dont like car pooling or being picked up or whatever…
…everyone wants to be seen behind the wheel…
…”me too I have a car some”
Eish what I would give for a driver!!!
But that would be a luxury at this point in my existence.

There’s some ongoing competition some of us dont know about.

And its not just the traffic when these amononites come oooh!
Charlie traffic is trivial compared to the phenomenon that sweeps over the capital.

‘The Innit Syndrome’
Everywhere you hear people going “innit innit”
Me and you dey here all year but I hear you in the corner going innit.
Saa m’ome.
If thats the way you choose to roll thats cool.

Everyone is trying to belong.
Sadly its pretty easy to pick out the chaff.
Dont ask me how.
On this particular matter my lips are sealed.

Accents change, style of dress change, attitudes change.
People who have been in the capital all year start moaning about how hot it is,how smelly Osu is and hold their noses as they pass through.
Please hasnt it been like that all year round?
Suddenly they dont know what nkate konto or ebunu ebunu is.
‘Oh wow! you still eat with your hands?’
Oh hush! if you could eat koko with your hands i bet you would.
‘Omg! Your car doesnt have airconditioning?’
You’re lucky you’re not riding the trotro today.Nonsense!
Some people dont even hang out with the same friends anymore.
They dogg out the ride or die buddies and find some innit friends to make them look good.
Status rising.

As a matter of fact they should call this season ‘Hunting Season’ because thats exactly what it is.
As the amanonites drop, guys are literally at the airport staking their claim over which one is theirs and which one they would like to make theirs….
….obviously only for the season.
….cuz once they’re gone, its done….
Till same time next year its goodbye for now.
The more amanonites you know,the higher your status.

Even the azonto chicks and guys (can a guy be azonto?) want appear like they’ve been somewhere.
Case in point one fante artist at the Rick Ross concert….shhhh!

Oh oh oh! and when I say amanonites I’m referring to those from Europe and the Americas.
If you’re in Ghana from South Africa( we have a Mr Price outlet here also), Japan, China and India, please sharrap and sit down.
Dont start feeling like this applies to you.
Especially those from India.

As a matter of fact, forget everything I said above.
Amanonites are basically the people from London.
Not the UK oh! London! yes!( apparently London is a whole country…ignorance is bliss)

They drown out all the others.
All the event ads go….
…..” guest DJ blah blah blah from London”
or…
…. ” its the biggest London party right here in Ghana”
Its like its the only place that exists.

For such a small place (I’m not talking geography) it gets mad props!
Where are the Americans in the mix.
In fact at this time of year its very weird to hear an American accent.
Doesnt mean they arent here….
…they are.

This season also causes a lot of relationships to go sour.
These innit chicks have a way of bringing out the insecurities in the local chicks.
If you say i’m lying, then you have been a victim.
You also must sharrap and sit down.
Thank you for your cooperation.
You see girlfriends following their boyfriends everywhere like little dogs……
…..holding on for dear life.
If he runs off with one of them, naturally, it’ll be a disaster but it wont be a natural disaster….you will live!
What is that?
If you cant trust your man at this time of year, you never can.

And these amanonites like show!
They want to go to all the hotspots….
…every single day of the 2-3 weeks they are here…..
…oh! and they bring their friends.
….so by the time they leave our poor boys are broke.(r)

My advice;strategize better for that time of year.
Its January now,
If you’re expecting ‘innit’ people in December, start saving this month and by end of the year,you’ll be the one everyone will be scrambling to hang out with.

Alternatively, its not by force innit?

THERE GOES MY BABY!!

August 10TH 2010.
Happy Birthday Kuukua.

This day was my nightmare.
You know how a lot of us go through life…….
…..hearing stories about horrbile things happening to other people,
feeling a slight tinge of pity for them and then moving on completely assured that it will and can NEVER happen to us?

That was definitely me before the “incident’

For the longest time I refused to talk about it and a lot of times when asked what happened….
…my defences go up and I get upset.
Now i can look back and laugh because really….
…shit does happen to the best of us.
And like the say, what wont kill you, will only make you stronger(now singing I will survive)

7:30PM, after a long and arduous day at work, I cross the road with my adopted little sister to my car.
We’re having a lovely chat about all sorts of things under the sun and this is rudely interrupted by a motor bike zooming past us and screeching to a halt, startling us both.
I comment on how dodgy this is but the cyclist rides off into the night and we both dismiss this occurence.

In retrospect, this might have been an omen.

We get to my car….
…we say goodnight…
….she turns to walk back towards the office.

Now i’m in my car.

With the ignition running,
I proceed to take my phone out of my pocket to place in the well between the handbrake and gear lever when suddenly….
…this dude appears at my door and opens it!

Why didnt I lock the door like i always do when i get in the car?

I look up thinking its Eric from work being his usual silly self passing by to say goodnight or something like that.
Then I notice the pistol staring me right in the face.
That was when the gravity of the situation dawned on me.
“Please get out the car’ the guy says in a gruff voice.
I turn to look at the passengers side and this other guy is getting ready to hop into the car.

I slowly start to get out of the car while trying to grab my phone.
Dont know what i was thinking.
“Leave it” the guy says.

The owners of my belongings had come for their things.

I step out ofthe car but somehow my hands are still in it and they are doing their own thing.
All I can hear is the blaring of a horn.
Its me. I’m doing it.
“Lorraine do you want to die?” I ask my hands.
They dont mind me.
“Do you want to die bitch!” I ask again…
They concede and once all of lorraine is fully out of the car, a third guy hops in and they speed off…..
with my car….the one they bought me.
Yes that one.
Along with my Blackberry, iPhone, Nokia,my harddrive two really cute pairs of shoes, my favourite handbag, my favourite purse, two of my favourite sunglasses, $400, a couple of Naira and about Ghc500.
If there was a soundtrack to my life,
as they drove away,
we all should have heard…
..THERE GOES MY BAAAABY!….

I never knew what the word helpless really meant until i watched my car being driven away by not one, not two but three random men.
Yes i screamed. Yes i cried.
I even sat on the street….
….dont juge me. what would you have done?
But none of this would bring it back(i later learned)

My Superman for that night was my dad. He was called. I was picked up.
Somewhere in that mix, my colleagues had called radio and police stations to alert them of the incident.

We still went to Joy FM to report the crime ( I cant help but laugh at this point) and then we went to the Kaneshie Police Station because the ‘crime’ had occured within their area of jurisdiction.
In actual fact this is where the story begins so lets just say…..
TO BE CONTINUED…..

FOUL MOUTHS MUST NOT SIGH

Although I nearly regurgitated my measly breakfast this morning,
I’m most grateful to the young lady who came to see me today……
……. and I’m pretty sure Vanessa is too.
I got to work today,
And before I had the chance to even drop my laptop on my desk,
I was told someone was waiting to be interviewed by me.
She wanted to work for me in the “hospitality” department.
A department that requires a lot of direct and close contact with people of rather high repute….
….usually.
I had to settle before having a chat with her to decide whether or not she qualified for the position.
I was quite irritated when I finally spoke with her because first of all,
She didn’t know who she was coming to see.
She had just appeared under someone’s recommendation….
….and this person doesn’t even work with me.
I had never heard of the person.
Anyway,
So she came to me through this random person who didn’t have the decency to call ahead and tell me to expect someone.
I asked her a few questions and each time she answered I had to ask her to repeat.
Eventually,
I asked her to come closer so I could hear her because I can only say “pardon” so many times.
OOOOOH ! BIG FAT MISTAKE!!!!
Girl’s breath was NASTY!
I suddenly felt very faint.
I thought…….
……was she sent here to punish me?
Does she know about my fear of bad breath and other body related odours?
Because I swear she spoke in my face like it was some kind of defense mechanism.
Almost like she was trying to tell me to back off!
Like a skunk.
Defending its territory.
Charlie!
No way.
First thing I thought when I came back to…..
….was OMG!
….someone has to “eat” that nasty spit. (I know how nasty this sounds)
Momone kwraa nfa ne ho!
I have a genuine question for all of you.
When your breath smells funky, do you not know?
Does it not bother you?
Do you not worry that it will offend the next person?
Because I am all about oral hygiene.
I think my boyfriend, my sister and I are the most breath conscious people I know.
If you ask what our favourite dessert is…..
…..we may very well say toothpaste and mouthwash!
Thing that amazes me most about people with bad breath is their confidence.
They come right up to your face to say what they have to without a second thought as to how their terrible emissions will affect the receiver.
Do you want to give me a bronchial attack?
Why?
I’m sitting down minding my own business….
…then some foul mouthed person creeps up from behind me……
….and whispers in my ears (somehow the wind misses my ears and goes straight up to my nostrils)
“Whoooo whhhaited at the whedding and whhhhhhy?”
Yes that is how he says it, in order to unleash his nastiness on me.
And they like saying “hhhhhhhiiiii”
I dare not go near such a person when they decide to whistle a tune instead of singing it.
Worse this is when someone who is your superior,
At work,
At school…..or wherever decides to kill you in this manner.
I sincerely do not know how to handle such a situation.
I get rather embarrassed.
I can only hold my breath for so long people!
Stop hurting me.
I have such a keen sense of smell its torture when I’m close to someone with funky breath…..
….or any nasty smell for that manner.
I realize I puke rather easily.
What happens with the foul mouth’s breath is….
It shoots straight to my head and I get a migraine.
You see there’s a difference between the kind of stale breath after you’ve eaten or when you haven’t spoken for a while.
Don’t get confused.
The kind of breath I’m talking about can melt rubber,
wake a person in a coma,
overpower the toothpaste and mouthwash so that it smells of you and not mint,
bend the toothbrush and cause the dental floss to snap.
A person with that kind of breath cannot drink through a straw because the straw will melt.
Yes!
Proper foul mouth!!!!
Rotting fish and eggs foul.
Please don’t talk to me till you get your mess sorted out.
My issue is a lot of Ghanaians have terrible breath.
That’s why when I watch local movies with scenes where they have to make out I cringe so much.
How much at all are they paying you for that?
A friend of mine said he kissed a girl with halitosis once.
She must have been one fine woman because nothing would cause me to take such a risk.
Yes risk!
Bad breath is only one of my pet peeves!
BODY ODOUR!
That is one I don’t get.
When everyone around you is keeping their distance and will only deal with you from 6 feet away, do you not realize that you have a problem?
Can you not smell it?
Apparently they can’t do anything about it.
That’s what I’ve heard.
You dey lie!
Soak your pits in tomato juice,
Use some lime and ash!
Then follow it up with some deodorant.
I’m pretty sure it will salvage the situation.
And take regular baths.
When I was in school,
There was a pretty young lady who had the worst B.O I had ever come across.
It was so bad the smell seeped through her wardrobe into the next one and ruined the poor person’s clothes.
I am not even kidding.
I think this morning I was on a roll….
…because not only did I experience the foul mouth,
It was backed heavily with some B.O at noon.
I really think someone out there is trying to kill me.
This guy came to stand at my desk to talk to someone and I saw my whole life flash before my eyes!
Now I know we work hard and sometimes we can’t do laundry over the weekend but seriously!
Air your clothes then.
We work in the kind of environment where we deal with a lot of high profile people.
Why must you ruin the image of the company like that?
I’ve noticed that people with smelly pits like to wave their arms around when they are talking to you.
I think there may be two reasons why:
A) They want the tear gas effect. Spread the smell and blind/suffocate the target.
B) Get as much pit airing done before they go home because by the time they do the sun wont be out anymore and they can’t hang clothes out to air.
I think the former is more valid.
Maybe they should let people breathe into grenade shells instead of filling it with whatever chemical compound they do.
Foul mouths need to make money off their “talent”
Whats the point of having something you can’t use.
Not everyone can fart through their mouths.
Now I’m all about hygiene.
Seriously.
I’m out to get you.
All of you.
No I will not sip from the same glass with you.
And no I will not hug you when greeting you.
A handshake will do just fine.
If I smell you I will write about it.
Sooner or later you will know it’s you. Hehehe!
If you have bad breath,
I don’t think anyone should frustrate you.
Left to me alone,
I’ll be sure to ensure your constant state of happiness,
Because in all honesty,
FOUL MOUTHS MUST NOT SIGH.
It’s detrimental to my health.
Thank you.

Dedicated to Vanessa Quarcoopome. Honey enjoy it!

“Fairy” terrible Fairies.

Just when I thought there was hope for the law enforcers of this country,
Some dickwad had to wash out the credibility of at least five hundred men.
Maybe more….
Today was amazing.
I should have known the smooth sailing was too good to be true.
After a myriad of lunches and catching up with friends,
I was on my way home…..
….finally.
I was in rush to get home so my better half could as well.
We had had a long and spontaneous day.
So,
We’re cruising through the town….
….only stopping briefly at checkpoints to give the law enforcers the opportunity to ascertain,
With only a torch….
…yes!
…. a torch that they bought from Melcom….
…. so I know it has no special X-ray or night vision qualities.
Anyway….
…so with the wave of their flashlight (like a fairy, waving their wand and spreading fairy dust all over)
The Ghana Police can tell you who is a possible threat to society and who is not.
Wow!
Let’s clap for Ghana!
At each stop,
My better half says to me…
“Don’t roll the windows down”
I listen.
Like the obedient girl that I am.
As luck would have it,
We get to yet another “torch stop.”
I bring the car to a slow halt……
….turn on the inside lights,
And wait for the Magic Fairy Dust!
This particular Fairy did not want to just wave his wand oh!
He wanted to see Cinderella.
The better half said “don’t roll down”
…. but this guy kept knocking at the window.
I had no choice.
So I roll down the window which does its own thing and goes all the way down to the end.
I feel overexpose so I proceed to roll it up slightly.
Then the Fairy goes…..
“Ah! What is that?”
Instinctively I want to say “it is a window”
But I opt for a more provocative comeback.
I ask him what his problem is.
Then he says,
“Don’t you know we are policemen here”
I was tempted to say,
no ,I honestly thought it was Halloween,
But I didn’t want to cause the man any sort of mental harm as I doubt that his level of intellect will include the knowledge of Halloween.
My better half asks him if there is a problem and the Fairy goes,
“PARK”
In that annoying tone of forced authority,
Because we all know no one really has any respect for the Ghanaian police.
So my better half says to me “don’t park” so I don’t.
The boyfriend was on the roll with the instructions!
The Fairy says “what is in your boot?”
I say nothing.
He says “I want to look in your boot”
Let me mention here that Fairies in this part of the world have a serious “boot” fixation.
I want to go home,
So I pop the trunk open and tell him to go have a look.
He says “I can’t go alone”
The Fairy was scared.
That was funny.
Law Fairy paa!
Afraid to be called a thief!
My better half says to him
“You said you wanted to look, go ahead, I can’t get out”
He had had enough of the nonsense.
We both had.
I’m pretty sure it took a lot of self control,
Not to get out of the car and clobber the douche!
Ah!
Our policemen abuse their power and poor Ghanaians who don’t know their rights let these people trample all over them.
It’s sad!
This same fuckwit Fairy,
Stopped me a few months ago and asked me to park.
It was a little after 1am and I was on my way home….
…tired after a long day at work.
The fool asked me to park.
Why?
He said I was beautiful and would like my number.
Ok he said it like this.
“Ei seesta! You are fine girl oh! Gimme your nomma!”
Again with that tone that screamed,
“Desperate attempt at being authoritative.”
Look at me I’m a Policeman!
Look at me I can tell you to jump and you’ll say how high.
You stopped the wrong chick mister!
I was well gobsmacked!
I asked “is this seriously the reason why you stopped me?”
I proceeded to tell him how I thought he was not serious and should not be in the position he is now.
Instead of being concerned for my safety,
And ensuring that I’m well on my way in order to be home soon,
You’re stopping me for something as stupid , idiotic, witless and imbecilic as this?
I was absolutely livid and this guy was obviously scared.
Because he realized his level of stupidity at that point.
Seriously Ghana Police Fairies why?
The ones who slay me are the ones who ask for money like beggars on the street.
Only thing I ask when they do is “don’t they pay you”
What am I paying taxes for?
Why must I condone this rubbish?
You are not handicapped!
Even the handicapped ones kwraa I’m choosy.
So why?
Its either they are collecting money from us or abusing their power.
I wonder how much they “make” a day.
Like the trotro mates,
I wonder if Ghanaian Policemen sit down at the close of business and count their “sales”
I sincerely have no patience for our law enforcers.
They don’t even have to do anything to irritate me,
They just have to exist.
I know they are there to protect and serve us but somehow I don’t think that is communicated to them when they join the force.
I would like to know what they are taught.
Really truly!
I gave my colleague a ride home last week because he literally lives behind my house.
At his junction, I had to take a right to go to mine,
And smack in the middle of the road,
Some guy had parked.
At this point my colleague had stepped out of the car and had proceeded to walk towards his house.
I started to blow my horn like a crazy person,
Don’t blame me…..
….. I was desperate to get home!
Didn’t care how much noise I was making.
Just my luck this was going be a battle because….
……. the guy wouldn’t move.
He asked that I squeeze my car past him.
3be ko!! ( it will go)
Is what some passerby who really should have minded his own business kept saying.
But I know my little Toyota.
It isn’t that little.
I was going crazy.
I was tired and I needed a shower.
At this point I saw my colleague turn around and start to walk back towards me.
He went straight to the parked idiot and started telling him off for parking in the middle of the road and having the nerve to flatly refuse to move.
The fool got upset.
You M’om!
I didn’t get why HE was tripping!
It was all about to make sense in….
……5-4-3-2-1-!
The Fool got out of his car and pointed at something hanging from his rearview mirror while screaming and making frenzied gestures with him somewhat short hands.
The inscription on the hanging thingie read:
Wait for it, wait for it…..
Drumroll and trumpets please……………
Ghana Police!
Then the words that came out of his mouth next,
To my colleague who was entreating him to do the right thing were,
“If you don’t stop insulting me I will arrest you”
At that point I did a double take.
Arrest him?
For what?
For having the guts to tell you to move your car,
That you probably bought with your “sales”?!
I was genuinely bewildered.
They keep doing the wrong thing but penalize us civilians when we do the same things.
The situation with our police force is extremely dismal.
It breaks my heart.
I have no time to exchange pleasantries when they try to act all macho.
Majority of them are short and skinny too.
Bet I could beat you if you didn’t have a gun.
Mtcheeeew!
I remember one time I was driving at circle.
I had just gone round the circle, getting ready to approach the former Fanmilk depot…..
……..when a policeman stopped me.
Not because I had done anything wrong…..
…… but because he was trying to stop some trotro driver going in the same direction as I was.
Basically he was trying to get the trotro driver to use another route,
But the driver wasn’t having it because he said the proposed route wasn’t going to lead him to his destination.
They are such bullies.
That isn’t the way to get people to do something especially if they are not wrong.
I was seething with rage on behalf of the trotro driver.
Coming from me that was deep because half the time I want to kill these people.
So this police man,
The man of the Law had stopped this trotro driver in the middle of the road,
Causing a jam.
So I proceed to move because it was crazy and I need to get back to work.
The fool decides to cross the road at that point, in the direction I was driving, past my car.
Then he starts banging on my bonnet.
I stop and instantly tell ihm he’s being silly stopping the guy in the middle of the road.
Asked him if he didn’t realize the traffic jam he was causing because of one vehicle.
He got upset and started to say some things that I suspect was in “Twinglish”
I did not particularly understand so I started to laugh.
Maybe I shouldn’t have.
I couldn’t help it.
He threatened to arrest me.
I said for what, told him to fuck off and I drove off only to hear cheers coming from behind me.
A pick-up truck with about 1000 men stopped at my side and said to me
“wa y3’a di3 paa! Omo ejimi dodo”
Translates: You’ve done well, they are way too stupid.
I laughed all the way back to my office.

ARE YOU ENLIGHTENED?

Today I saw something.
I saw something that literally made me want to bring up all the nasty kokoo and beans I had for lunch.
It was right in front of me and I looked at its legs.
The SHE had bleached!
Jesus!
Why do people do that?
The back of her legs looked like a burnt pizza without all the toppings.
Just the base with the tomato sauce.
Nasty as hell!
Splotchy all over.
I can understand if some random woman in Jamestown does this to herself,
But lately it’s the highly enlightened (no pun intended)….
….and educated people I see subjecting themselves to this foolishness.
How insecure are you to actually take money and go out and buy cream that makes you look like Frosty the Snowman’s long lost sister?
It’s crazy.
I know three women who have attempted to bleach in their lifetime.
One of them did it and admitted it.
She said the men liked her better light.
It’s always about a man with us women.
When will we learn?
The same man telling you he likes you light….
……is laughing with his friends when your name comes up…..
…..because he’s suddenly remembered how absolutely dark your inner thighs were when he pried them open last night.
He also remembered how ghostly you looked in that photo from the dinner party you went to last week.
Why is he still with you if he’s laughing?
Because you give it to him easy.
And you would do anything he says,
Including changing your pigmentation.
He doesn’t have to beg like he does with his real girlfriend.
The dark beautiful one who he will end up marrying and having kids with.
The sad thing is you’re constantly broke because you’re spending all your money on all these lightening products.
It ain’t cheap too.
GH¢100.00 plus for a tub of bleaching agent?
And it’s not even Crème de la Mer!
Not only is it nasty,
There are health implications too.
And you smell funny.
Have I said enough to deter you?
They know this yet they continue.
Maybe bleaching is like doing drugs.
Or like Pringles.
“Once you pop, you can’t stop”
Hehehe!
But on a more serious note…..
Why do people bleach?
A question I ask all the time.
Why?
But I don’t get solid answers.
My mother is really light.
When I was a child, people used to laugh at me and say I was adopted.
But do you see me bleaching?
No!
Because I realize it takes all kinds.
We all can’t be the same.
Ghanaian chicks have “obaa kokoo” complex.
Your best friend is light so when you go out with her all the guys chat HER up and not YOU!
Honey if they only like her for the colour she is, they’re so not worth your time.
They say “Black is beautiful”
True to some extent but I have seen some damn ugly black people in my lifetime.
But that is not the point.
If you’re black and ugly,
Why do you think if you become light,
You’ll be more beautiful?
Au contraire!
Learn to appreciate you…..
……and the rest of the world will follow suit.
If you don’t love you, how do expect anyone to.
My favourite “bleachers” are the ones who do it and say…..
“oh! I’m toning my skin”
Hahahahahahahaha!
Really?
Did you read the bottle?
Did it say “ Fair and White”
Toning my ass.
Can you tone your scalp too while you’re at it?
Is there a “toning” shampoo and conditioner?
Because when you part your hair I see the difference dummy!
It’s crystal clear.
Or those who start bleaching when they are really young,
Then lie to you that they are mixed race.
When their mother and father are both darker than Gabourey Sidibe in the movie “Precious”
You’re not fooling me honey.
I asked someone why they bleached.
This person said to me that there was pressure from the society to be lighter.
Really?
They said:
“Haven’t you noticed that all the girls in the adverts on TV and billboards are light?”
First thing I thought when I heard this was no way you didn’t say that!!!!!
Did the billboard come and hold your hand and lead you to the store to buy the product?
Did it take the money from your purse and hand it to the cashier?
Did it smear the “stuff” on your skin?
No I don’t think so!
So what pressure are you talking about?
Complexes kill!
If being friends with a light skinned person gives you a complex,
Honey I don’t know how to help you.
But I know this for sure,
Bleaching won’t change you on the inside.
The funniest bleachers of all are the ones to leave Ghana for holidays abroad,
As dark as dark can be,
And come back looking like Nadia Buari!
Eish!
Saa?!?!
What happened?
How did you get that way?
When you ask them,
They open their mouths and insult you by saying….
….”It was the weather oh!”
“i just got back from the States”
How come me di3 when I travel it doesn’t happen to me?
Why did you swim in snow?
I was on holiday in London with a friend of mine and she wouldn’t wear a jacket no matter how chilly it was.
Ask her why,
She would say “Oh! I want to become fair oh!”
It’s crazy!!!!
Maybe we should start using a lot more dark people for ad campaigns.
It might help the situation because honestly,
I’m shy of anyone I know personally who has bleached!
I can’t look at them for long.
I’m genuinely shy.
Have all sorts of disrespectful thoughts running through my head.
When I see such people,
And I’m not sure….
….all I ask is
ARE YOU ENLIGHTENED?(pun very much intended!)

“SO DID MY DAD AND HIS DAD AND ALL MY OTHER RELATIVES”

I haven’t felt inspired in days……
…….so I guess I should be grateful to the ignorant man….
…. who dared utter the words that led to me reaching for my computer……
…… like it was an inhaler and I was having an asthma attack!
You know that adage”
“If you have nothing nice to say, don’t say anything at all?
Whoever said that, couldn’t have said it better.
I wonder who he is and where his family is today.
But it’s the millennium and as such,
Certain adages must be amended to suit the era,
So,
Let it be said,
1000 years from now
That Lorraine said,
“If you are an idiot, you must not speak”! ( say it in Twi)
Some people honestly must not be allowed to use words.
This is my story.
Hehe!
“My testimony”.
It was a beautiful Saturday afternoon and I decided to spend the day with my girl and go to the salon and do the girlie things.
I took a nice shower and got dressed.
I wore a nice, long, tube dress.
Yes a dress.
Anyone who knows me knows how I like my shorts.
Ghana is way too hot to wear clothes that cover so much.
But this dress was light and extremely comfy.
I get into my little Toyota and head into town.
I have to make a quick stop in North Kaneshie to get something…..
……and when I step out of the car,
My tube dress slips down a little bit so I have to pull it up.
So this idiot man,
Standing there,
Who obviously lives hand to mouth and probably hadn’t “lived” that day,
Mutters to the guy next to him
“saa ntari3 n’a mo sh3 n3’ma nkrofu di mo no”
Basically he was saying that our outfits these days cause men to rape us!
The IDIOT!
How in the name of the Holy One does a dress……
……up to my ankles,
In fact, way past my ankles,
And bare shoulders warrant rape???
RAPE???!!!??
I have an idea!!!
Why don’t you spend the time you’re using to discuss my outfit ,
To think of legitimate ways you can put some food in your mouth,
Douche!
It baffles me how a lot of Ghanaian men think that a lot of us women dress to provoke them.
So what?
I dressed up to provoke the man selling dog-chains??
Or the guy selling apples?
Oh! Oh! Better yet,
The very sexy retard begging for alms.
Don’t make me laugh.
Have you ever sat down to think of the fact that we wear some things……
…..because they are comfortable?
Because we live in the tropics,
And somehow the sun shines brighter here than anywhere else????
It’s not all about you , you dumb fucks.
If you have issues controlling your shlong,
What has it got to do with me?
The thing that sets you apart from animals, is your self control,
So you if you feel the need to fuck every woman who shows some skin,
You’re an animal.
I mean seriously.
Do my toes peeking out of my sandals arouse you too? Or my knees?
You wear something and head into town,
And the many bush people in this country stop and stare,
And make all sorts of unnecessary comments under their breaths.
Why does it bother you so much?
Why does my sexiness bother you?
I truly don’t get it.
You wear a pair of shorts,
Or a little dress,
Or a short shirt….
…and automatically you’re a whore?
A “roundabout” girl?
Saa!
Most annoying ones are the ones who actually think they are offering sound advice when they see you wear something.
Say you are wearing a low cut shirt,
Then some random woman goes,
“ssssssssssssssssss”
This is a sound I absolutely despise by the way.
If you try to get my attention that way,
I will so pretend I cannot hear you.
Anyway so this post-kaya woman in her full three piece kaba and slit in the Ghana heat…..
….. calls you and says
“sister, mepa wo cheo, chre w’atari3 ko sro kakra”
Basically,
Young lady pull your shirt up a bit.
Did my full breasts reach out from the shirt and hurt you?
Are your eyes bleeding?
I think not.
Who sent you then?
Why don’t you try NOT looking at them so much then maybe,
Just maybe it won’t bother you so much.
You cannot dress up without someone making some stupid comment….
…..or eyeing you like you’re trying to steal their husband!
I beg oh!
I don’t want your old, pot bellied husband.
I’m very happy with my young and extremely handsome boyfriend ,
thank you very much.
It really gets to me.
Funny thing was I got a henna tattoo about two weeks ago,
Just to see if I would ever want a real one.
I don’t!
Two weeks with that thing was hell.
I couldn’t go anywhere without Jesus’ very own offspring staring down at my leg……
…….. like I had tied Satan himself around it.
Eish!
As3m oooh!
Freedom doesn’t really exist oh!
All these people trying to “sit on my happiness”
I’d appreciate it if somehow,
This piece gets out there on the streets to all the fuckwits,
So they leave me alone.
My sense of style isn’t about to change,
Just to make YOU a little more comfortable,
Or make YOU feel a little more secure in your marriage,
Or make YOU more comfortable about YOUR body.
Or help YOU keep YOUR penis in check.
Sorry.
My life does not in any way revolve around YOU.
So if you see me in the streets,
With my little T-Shirt,
Please don’t ask me to pull it down to cover my midriff.
It’s meant to be exposed.
I like it that way.
Yes, my mother saw me when I left home.
SO DID MY DAD AND HIS DAD AND ALL MY OTHER RELATIVES.
And if you care to know,
I’m not a whore,
No!
I’m merely dressing according to the fantastic weather.
And guess what????
I’m probably a lot more comfortable than you are.